So I have a friend..... So I HAD a friend.

[Richardhead | 2,813]

He got involved in my 6-year relationship with my girlfriend. Now I get that he and her are also friends and I also get that she went to him for advice, but we were friends for many many more years(10-is) than the two of them were friends. When I confronted him via text message, He told me that he was “sorry I felt that way “that he “advocated for me” and “only spoke on my behalf”. Then told me that he was “always here to talk”.

Now first, why are you sorry I am pissed? Why not be sorry that you are a terrible person that kept a secret from a “friend”?

Second, I never ask anyone to advocate for me or speak on my behalf. Why as a “friend” would you assume I want you to do either of those things for me?

Third, why the fuck would you think that after realizing the type of person you are that I would want to talk to you about anything?

This guy talked to me like he was my friend while he was keeping this from me. Knew the whole time!

This guy is no longer my friend and I have no intentions of reconciling this friendship. Now this might sound petty, but him not telling me cost me at least $1800 in savings. This was a live-in girlfriend that gave me money every month to cover her part of the bills. If I would have known what was coming, I wouldn't have bought those games, paid for that expensive dinner or other things I frivolously spent money on. However, that money is inconsequential, It didn't break me and I'll be fine. I do however believe that if the tables were reversed and it was I that held back something like this from him, it would hurt him financially something fierce.

Am I being to harsh about this? Should I let this go?

Last thing I feel I should add,  is that I knew this relationship I was in was near it’s end.

This should be fun!

Edited April 26, 2021 by Richardhead

[fcgamer | 4,729]

How close was your relationship with your friend?

[Richardhead | 2,813]

5 minutes ago, fcgamer said:

How close was your relationship with your friend?

10-ish.

Updated the post with that info.

[fcgamer | 4,729]

4 minutes ago, Richardhead said:

10-ish.

Updated the post with that info.

Are you still with the girl, or was that relationship also on the rocks by the time everything was going on?

[Richardhead | 2,813]

Just now, fcgamer said:

Are you still with the girl, or was that relationship also on the rocks by the time everything was going on?

It's over. The relationship was nearing its end. It's in the post.

[fcgamer | 4,729]

I'm gonna go with the unpopular opinion here, but if the relationship was close with the friend, and he wasn't shagging the girl, I'd try to forgive, and have you both move on, with your friendship intact.

Call the guy up, meet up with him over a coffee, talk as men face to face about why you feel angry at him, but put your pride down as well and listen as he fully tells you his side of the story. Just be completely honest with each other, if the friendship was quality I begin with, no point in tossing it away needlessly over drama with a girl that is out of the picture now anyways.

I mean, if she went to him for advice, and she was also friends with him, it sort of put the bloke in an awkward position, right? 

[arch_8ngel | 1,597]

41 minutes ago, Richardhead said:

 

Second, I never ask anyone to advocate for me or speak on my behalf. Why as a “friend” would you assume I want you to do either of those things for me?

 

Would you, as a friend, not speak on behalf of another friend, if some question/concern about them came up?

I'm sure there is a lot more to this than you posted, since at face value, it doesn't seem like some kind of unforgivable offense, just a misguided attempt to help.

[Richardhead | 2,813]

1 minute ago, arch_8ngel said:

Would you, as a friend, not speak on behalf of another friend, if some question/concern about them came up?

I'm sure there is a lot more to this than you posted, since at face value, it doesn't seem like some kind of unforgivable offense, just a misguided attempt to help.

 

2 minutes ago, arch_8ngel said:

Would you, as a friend, not speak on behalf of another friend, if some question/concern about them came up?

I'm sure there is a lot more to this than you posted, since at face value, it doesn't seem like some kind of unforgivable offense, just a misguided attempt to help.

If I am not asked to speak on ones behalf, I will not speak on their behalf.  As far as I know there isn't much more to what I posted.

[Hammerfestus | 3,860]

I’d take a good while to cool down before you decide how you really feel about this guy’s involvement.  
It sounds like she put him in an awkward situation and if he’s her friend too he also has responsibilities to that friendship. What would you do in that Situation?  

[arch_8ngel | 1,597]

11 minutes ago, Richardhead said:

 

If I am not asked to speak on ones behalf, I will not speak on their behalf.  As far as I know there isn't much more to what I posted.

To each his own.

I would rather have a friend take the initiative and advocate for me if there was something going on behind my back, than have them squander the opportunity.  (though I'd certainly want them to let me know what went on, afterwards)

Edited April 26, 2021 by arch_8ngel

[Link | 2,715]

It sounds like he suggested she stay with you when asked. If I understand correctly, what is bad about that?

[the_wizard_666 | 1,325]

If he's a mutual friend, and she went to him as a friend in confidence, then there is absolutely no obligation for him to tell you ANYTHING about that discussion, as it would be a betrayal of HER confidence.  If anything, he should be pissed at YOU for making him out to be the bad guy here.  The relationship is done, and it sounds like he did nothing to facilitate it's end.  In my humble opinion, you deciding to cut him loose over him being a good friend to your ex is silly and childish.  Not trying to rag on you man, but this situation reeks of petty jealousy.

[Kguillemette | 1,545]

Is forgive but move on and put the two of them behind you an option? I have forgiven stone cold betrayal in my own personal life, but I would never forget that betrayal. Doesn't mean the relationship will ever return to anything resembling the way it used to be.

[Jfreakofkorn | 282]

Fk n both . 

How can you build something without trust . If they will do it once , they will do it again , imo 

I like to have people around me that i can trust and depend on . No matter if i am there or not . Because i give the same in return . 

But honestly , its up to you at what you will be able to accept and wont accept in any kind of relationship with them . . . 

 

[BriGuy82 | 771]

I think if she sought him out, and he advocated for you, that makes him a pretty good friend. 

[JamesRobot | 5,807]

As far as the poll goes, I'm down the middle.  Seems to me you are both are in violation of the one rule that governs these situations: Bros before hoes.  Yes, he should have told you told you what was coming down the line.  Especially given the time frame.  Since it's not spelled out here, I understand this was kept secret for some 8 to 12 weeks.  That's pretty fucked.

However, you must also concede that your woman put you both in this shitty situation and essentially jeopardized your friendship on top of the breakup by asking him to keep it quiet.  I know it's tough to find fault in the woman you love, even if she breaks your heart, but she unnecessarily placed you both in a very shitty position bringing him into the middle of your own relationship.  It wasn't really any of his business in the first place.

My guess is that, whether consciously or not, she wanted him to tell you so she wouldn't have to deal with the confrontation and end up being the bad guy.  If he tells you, then it places the need to address the issue in your court and she doesn't even have to bring it up.  Except that's not what happened because she made him "promise" not to tell you.  And said friend, a man of his word, actually kept his promise.

So now here you are breaking the bro code by placing her above your friend due to the way she manipulated you both.  Again, I think it was unintentional on her part, and she absolutely would not wish the current outcome.  But she ultimately comes out of this unscathed in comparison.  My advice is that you should both apologize to each other for being shitty, have a beer, and sock each other hard as fuck in the arm and get over it.

 

[Richardhead | 2,813]

7 minutes ago, JamesRobot said:

As far as the poll goes, I'm down the middle.  Seems to me you are both are in violation of the one rule that governs these situations: Bros before hoes.  Yes, he should have told you told you what was coming down the line.  Especially given the time frame.  Since it's not spelled out here, I understand this was kept secret for some 8 to 12 weeks.  That's pretty fucked.

However, you must also concede that your woman put you both in this shitty situation and essentially jeopardized your friendship on top of the breakup by asking him to keep it quiet.  I know it's tough to find fault in the woman you love, even if she breaks your heart, but she unnecessarily placed you both in a very shitty position bringing him into the middle of your own relationship.  It wasn't really any of his business in the first place.

My guess is that, whether consciously or not, she wanted him to tell you so she wouldn't have to deal with the confrontation and end up being the bad guy.  If he tells you, then it places the need to address the issue in your court and she doesn't even have to bring it up.  Except that's not what happened because she made him "promise" not to tell you.  And said friend, a man of his word, actually kept his promise.

So now here you are breaking the bro code by placing her above your friend due to the way she manipulated you both.  Again, I think it was unintentional on her part, and she absolutely would not wish the current outcome.  But she ultimately comes out of this unscathed in comparison.  My advice is that you should both apologize to each other for being shitty, have a beer, and sock each other hard as fuck in the arm and get over it.

 

Unfortunately it isn’t gonna work that way. I’m signing out. I’ve had enough of this.

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

9 hours ago, the_wizard_666 said:

If he's a mutual friend, and she went to him as a friend in confidence, then there is absolutely no obligation for him to tell you ANYTHING about that discussion, as it would be a betrayal of HER confidence.  If anything, he should be pissed at YOU for making him out to be the bad guy here.  The relationship is done, and it sounds like he did nothing to facilitate it's end.  In my humble opinion, you deciding to cut him loose over him being a good friend to your ex is silly and childish.  Not trying to rag on you man, but this situation reeks of petty jealousy.

This is basically the same thing I'm thinking. Because he's friends with both people, he still has to try and do what he thinks is right in regards to both of them when there's any overlap. If anything, I feel kinda bad for the bind that situation put the friend in. 

[KokiriChild | 1,644]

I have to say, if I was put in your friend's situation, there's no way in hell I feel it is my place to tell you about how/when your relationship is going to end. That's on her. 

If he advocated for you and was a mutual friend, I don't think it's fair for him to be the bad guy in this scenario. I heavily lean on the forgive side of this, after you've had time to cool off.

[docile tapeworm | 4,203]

sorry richie  

did your friend become friends with her via you? or did they become friends seperate from your relationship? 

if my bro had a woman friend that i became friends with via my bro i would probably have told her "look before you spill your guts i will have to tell richie, i known that dude forever". 

if they became friends outside your relationship you could give him an out there. still he smiled in your face all the while...fuuuuuck that.

either way, if i were you i would prob be upset with my bro too. and everybody can talk big in here saying, its petty or get over it, but its easy talk from us outside looking in. shit hurts. even if the relationship was rocky.

if he wants to "talk" maybe not a slug in the arm. maybe 5 minutes in the back yard go at it. sometimes you can shake hands and move on...sometimes the love is still lost...

we dont find people we trust or are friends with close very often on earth. its sad to see them end. but, were only human harry.

 

im sorry brother. 

 

 

[docile tapeworm | 4,203]

seeing how many jump to defend the friend is interesting. the more i think of it that dude reeks of hipocricy. then to act so innocent when confronted (if the story of the texts are some what un bias) gtfoh...

edit: time will show what ends up in the wash

Edited April 26, 2021 by docile tapeworm

[spacepup | 2,405]

There is simply not enough actual information here for me to answer that poll question to be honest (I'm not asking for more details, just saying).  I don't know what really happened here, what he "advocated" for, what he held back, etc etc etc.

All I can say, is that if you've been friends with someone for over 10 years, that's enough time that it may be worth giving them an opportunity for redemption and to hash things out.  I can't tell from what you shared here, but it certainly doesn't sound like he was going out of his way to hurt you.  Nobody is perfect, and relationships are full of good and bad, mistakes and opportunities.  It sounds like a lot to completely throw someone away because of a potential misunderstanding.

Only you know the depth of the true story and the relationships involved here, so take any advice here with a grain of salt, but it does sound like you are angry and hurt --- don't let current and heightened emotions dictate a potentially long-term decision and cutting someone out of your life forever.  Good luck to ya.

[captmorgandrinker | 1,649]

Take a deep breath, and go with your gut.

 

[Boosted52405 | 178]

Maybe I'm naive with this post, but did your friend get with your girl?  I'm really trying to see what the situation is, and after reading the OP twice, I still am unsure - but got more of the vibe that he talked with her outside your back (per her request), about your relationship?

If that latter is the case, I can actually relate completely with your friend (with a wife of one of my friends), and I guess I really don't see the harm - especially if he was advocating for you.  Now if he was trying to wreck your relationship and take your girl, yeah friendship over fo sho.

EDIT: After reading the OP a 3rd time, I realize he's been talking with your girl for what seems to be a period of time, and intentionally did not relay that info to you when he could/should have.  This is bad business, but he might have had good intentions in trying to support you, but didn't want to cause the additional layer of drama by running to you afterwards.

Sucks man...regardless sorry to hear your relationship has ended, the long ones always take a while to get over and the friend factor doesn't help either.  Lots of other fish in the sea...

Edited April 26, 2021 by Boosted52405

[GPX | 1,370]

I think it all boils down to the friend’s intention. Was he out to jeopardize the relationship? That should hold sway on whether to keep the friendship or not. 

Otherwise, if the relationship was to end, the friend’s actions are kind of irrelevant in the whole scheme of things. The boy-girl dynamics is the key, and the friend would be a side-distraction only. That’s how I see it from a very generalised viewpoint.