Should I be expected to be able to read my wife's mind?

[OptOut | 8,884]

Simple question for all the married/long-term committed men out there. Am I to blame if my wife is not directly explicit with me about the things she wants or expects me to do?

I often "get in trouble" for not realising my wife wants me to do things for her or buy her things after she gives me cryptic, sometimes even subliminal hints as to what she actually desires.

Case in point, she recently told me a cheap necklace she bought no longer shines and is tarnished, and so she plans to discard it. This was APPARENTLY a super obvious message that she wanted me to buy her a new one, even though I work five days a week, have zero time to shop, and even if I did buy her a necklace on my own she would undoubtedly hate it because I have no idea what a necklace is for or why she would want one.

So, am I the bad guy here? Or should I have already bought her the world's most appropriate necklace, suited to her specific tastes, at a price that is high enough to make her feel happy I spent it on her, without spending so much that I'd get in trouble for making her feel guilty I bought it?

[arch_8ngel | 1,597]

It sounds like it would probably be worth spending some time off with your wife browsing jewelry and getting a better sense of what she actually likes.

(make a weekend date out of it)

 

The nice thing about women's jewelry is that there is a pretty broad selection of "artisan" stuff that is nicer than old-school costume jewelry but not so fancy or expensive that she can't wear it all the time. (i.e. necklaces in the $20-$50 range with various semi-precious stones or hand-made beads)

 

Not saying you should have read her mind that a replacement should have been "obvious"... but if that was her only go-to necklace, it sounds like you have some small gift-giving opportunities you could be taking advantage of so that she ends up with a few to choose from.

[RH | 4,903]

In our household, I'm the "big spender" and my wife is the minimalist.  My wife has told me countless times "please, please don't buy me expensive jewelry." She thinks it's pretty and at some point, if I did, she'd be appreciative but a little disappointed.

That said, reading a wife's intentions is something you're only going to have to learn with time.  I've been married for 14 years and I'm way better at it that I use to be, but I still miss "obvious" clues.

This is the main problem--women are people and we all voice throughout the days and weeks stuff we like, don't like, point out that something is worn out or needs to be replaced.  There seems to be a nuanced way women word and phrase these discussions and you have to learn to discern her way of saying either "this jewelry is junk and I'm just getting it out of my life" vs. "this jewelry is junk but replacing it would make a great birthday/Christmas gift."

And, to be clear, just because they voice their opinion doesn't mean that something is missing or needs to be replaced doesn't mean that want that as a gift. Seriously.  There have been many a men who've had disappointing Christmas mornings because 20 times throughout the year their wives said "these pots are junk!" and they bough their wives kitchenware.  Some women love that as a gift.  I've known a few women over they years who were offended by it.  You figure this stuff out by learning the subtle details about the way your wife communicates.

This isn't a problem, but it's part of the fun of learning to know your wife for a lifetime.

[DoctorEncore | 3,691]

Maybe? It depends on how you guys do things and communicate.  Maybe err on the side of buying more often, rather than less often. My wife often says flowers are dumb, but she loves when I send some to her at work since all her co-workers get to see them.

Whether you agree or not, sometimes it's nice to be able to point to a discrete object and say it is a symbol of love.

Relationships are hard.

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

If she makes a point of mentioning she doesn't wear her necklace anymore because it's worn out, it sounds like she's hinting that she wants a new one. 

[Sign Collector Guy | 334]

I would say get her a pearl necklace.

[RH | 4,903]

11 minutes ago, Sign Collector Guy said:

I would say get her a pearl necklace.

This guy gets it.  I'd love to get my wife a string of pearls and I would if she wasn't so adamant that she's wanted me to stop buying her jewelry for ages.

[captmorgandrinker | 1,649]

1 hour ago, OptOut said:

Simple question for all the married/long-term committed men out there. Am I to blame

Yes.

[Sign Collector Guy | 334]

18 minutes ago, RH said:

This guy gets it.  I'd love to get my wife a string of pearls and I would if she wasn't so adamant that she's wanted me to stop buying her jewelry for ages.

Nothing better than giving a girl a pearl necklace. I agree.  

[Lincoln | 230]

you should make an effort to be aware of things your wife likes, her gift preferences, etc. that's part of being an invested partner.

you and your wife also need to sit down and talk about how each of you communicates and particularly how each of you is going to interpret things the other says. men and women communicate differently. what she thinks is obvious is not registering with you. it's not anyone's fault, you just have different expectations for communication. that is a problem for you to work out together. you're a team and the goal is for you to be the best team you can be.

[Tulpa | 3,493]

15 minutes ago, Sign Collector Guy said:

Nothing better than giving a girl a pearl necklace. I agree.  

ZZ Top were sages.

[RH | 4,903]

2 hours ago, OptOut said:

Simple question for all the married/long-term committed men out there. Am I to blame if my wife is not directly explicit with me about the things she wants or expects me to do?

...

So, am I the bad guy here?

 

All humor aside, I'd like to interject and say that solving blame in these cases is a bit of a pointless exercise.  Do you love your wife?  Does she love you? I have no clue how long you've been married, but if you keep a stance of me vs, you, you can quickly get into deep problems.

Part of the point of marriage is getting to know another person.  TV and books have done a strong disservice to the our western culture with this idea that one person can "complete" another person, or two people can be soul-mates that are in perfect harmony with each other.  That's horse hockey.

What makes a long term marriage amazing is commitment. Good grief, my wife and I have had some knock down, drag out arguments.  Tears have been shed and there have been nights where either I, or her, have slept on the couch.  But, what makes marriage amazing is that even in those toughest times, you're committed to loving one another, working out the differences, learning how to forgive and how to resolve issues when, in fact, you can't agree.

This might sound counter-intuitive but it grows both of you into better people. Both in relationship with each other and dealing with the world. Ultimately, this is a small argument. Your wife might have hurt feelings, and you should not blow those off.  That said, you can use it as an opportunity to start with an apology and then ask, "how can we avoid this miscommunication in the future."  This isn't putting the blame, or work, on her but it is letting her know she's heard and you'd like to improve the communication.

Often times, little tiffs like this have little to do with the issue at hand.  They are just a tip off.  Maybe she had a bad day at work, or she's not feeling well.  Seeing that "this request was missed" sent her over the edge--this happens a lot.  The best advice I can give is to ask her to share her feelings.  Don't blame/accuse her of having a bad day, just encourage her to open up about her feelings.  She may start out yelling at you, but in the end, if she's had a bad day, she may end up in tears and more in love with you before the "offense".  I'm not saying that will happen every time.  It won't. But if you can learn to read that "this might not be the actual problem" at the appropriate time, it will communicate a LOT of love to her, if you can help her figure out her own self-issues.

Godspeed my friend.  Marriage is hard, but it's worth it. By the time you've spent 10 years getting to know and understand another person, it's amazing how connected you can be with them.

[Br81zad | 629]

In a woman's twisted and warped sense of insane logic, that's her plainly telling you to get her a new necklace...

 

No, you aren't responsible for reading her mind.

But you ARE going to be held responsible regardless, so Yes.

 

Good luck

[fcgamer | 4,723]

Yup you're to blame, it was an obvious hint. Even I understood that one. You failed.

Actually, I'm just messing with you bro. I think @RH makes a lot of good points, which mesh well with a lot that I've heard / experienced over the years.

 

[RH | 4,903]

14 minutes ago, Br81zad said:

In a woman's twisted and warped sense of insane logic, that's her plainly telling you to get her a new necklace...

 

I don't think that's fair to women.  Yes, they process life, the world and their emotions differently, I wouldn't call them "twisted or warped". Women experience a lot more emotions, often at once, in a way that's rather atypical to most of us males.  This isn't a problem--it's a mystery.

[Boosted52405 | 178]

Uh....toss her some jewelry cleaner?    (would love to hear how that would end)

[RegularGuyGamer | 2,013]

3 minutes ago, Boosted52405 said:

Uh....toss her some jewelry cleaner?    (would love to hear how that would end)

She might genuinely enjoy it if you got it cleaned / replaced some pieces

[BriGuy82 | 768]

And when she let's out a huge sigh for no reason. There's always a reason. That's when your supposed to ask what's on her mind, or if there's anything you can do for her. It's called an unfulfilled wish. You're welcome.

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

This is why the only relationship I choose to be in is with whichever Hooters girl that happens to be working the bar that day. I have a hot girl to talk to that constantly offers to bring me food and beer. I couldn't be happier!

[Splain | 2,569]

This is how it happens lol, the age-old stereotypes that all women are crazy and all men are stupid.

Obviously not all women are the same, but it seems to be a common thread in many women that they don't want to explicitly say things like "I want you to get me some jewelry because I'd feel bad just buying it myself." That would take a lot of the "magic" out of a situation where you surprise her with something she really wanted, and everyone's day is improved. Same with the boatloads of jokes people make about "signals" while dating. So, to men, the ones who typically don't pick up on that stuff unless they're specifically sniffing it out, it seems like she gets mad "out of nowhere" when you failed to ask her out/help with something/get her something/stay at home one evening etc. She must be crazy!

Then dudes learn that nothing good comes from calling them out on it, and they'd rather just look oblivious than intentionally mean, and they get used to generally keeping expectations low in as many areas as possible. Taking the heat is wayyyy better than starting an argument with your wife. He's so dumb!

It gets worse when people try to "train" each other; for example if she says her necklace is old, and you think she wants a new one, but you don't want her to learn that "that's all she has to say," so you ignore it on purpose. Reminds me of when my wife and I scratch each other's back when watching a movie or something. She likes it to feel more like a massage, with hard pushing etc. I hate massages and just like scratching. So for the first few times, when I'd scratch her back, it was just scratching, and when she'd scratch mine, she'd push hard with her palms. We were both trying to show "how it should be done" and nobody was happy.

Of course the answer is to talk about it. Try "oh you want a new one?" Or if she suggests that something expensive needs replacing (phone, major kitchen appliance etc) keep your responses non-accusatory; leave the door open for her to say "oh I wasn't saying I wanted to buy a new one."

[Boosted52405 | 178]

9 minutes ago, BriGuy82 said:

And when she let's out a huge sigh for no reason. There's always a reason. That's when your supposed to ask what's on her mind, or if there's anything you can do for her. It's called an unfulfilled wish. You're welcome.

Excellent reminder of why I am happily divorced...like legit happy.  Women are hella complicated (men are too but this type of stuff ugh).

[Splain | 2,569]

11 minutes ago, BriGuy82 said:

And when she let's out a huge sigh for no reason. There's always a reason. That's when your supposed to ask what's on her mind, or if there's anything you can do for her. It's called an unfulfilled wish. You're welcome.

Lol yes. It drives me crazy when a friend is looking at their phone and laughs out loud like 5 times, fishing for the "oooh, what's so funny?" I have no problem ignoring that kind of thing. But if my wife does it, I'm on it like white on rice.

[empire | 106]

Yes....yes you should

[Link | 2,709]

I gotta go with @arch_8ngel on this one. A good response is to say 'let's go shopping and get you a new one' on Saturday, and get lunch afterwards, maybe a movie. @RH also has good points about communicating.

[MuNKeY | 241]