Jump to content
IGNORED

Tell me your funnest joke.

JVOSS

By JVOSS
in Everything Else

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 35
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

TDIRunner
TDIRunner

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by th

phart010
phart010

Where do you take someone who is having a peek-a-boo emergency?   Japanese janitor bursts out of a closet shouting ______________    

Nintendo Workshop
Nintendo Workshop

My 6 year old:    Dad what’s a pirates favorite letter? me:  it’s ARRRR!!!! my 6 year old:    Well you might think it’s ARRRR,  but it’s actually the “C”.

Posted Images

  • The title was changed to Tell me your funniest joke.
Tabonga

Tabonga | 2,345

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sven died so his wife Lena went to put an obituary in the newspaper.  When she asked how much she was told that it was $5 for every six words.  Being thrifty she told the clerk that she just wanted it to say "Sven is dead."  The clerk said that it was the same price for 6 words as for 3 so might as well add to the message.  

She thought about it and told this to the clerk:

Spoiler

Sven is dead.  Boat for sale.

 

Edited by Tabonga
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
  • The title was changed to Tell me your funnest joke.
Link

Link | 2,738

Posted
Posted

Two doctor/old man jokes.

Doctor is reviewing the checkup with old man and his wife. “I’ll need a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample.” Old man cups his ear and says, “Eh? What’s that? I couldn’t hear you.” Wife leans over and shouts in his other ear, 

Spoiler

“He said he wants your underwear!”


Old man #2 comes home from the doctor, grinning ear-to-ear. “Well?” his wife says. “What are you so happy about?” Old man sticks his thumbs in his suspenders, pulling them forward and arching his back, and says,

Spoiler

😁 “The doctor says I’m imPOtent!” 😁 

 

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Webhead123

Webhead123 | 687

Posted
Posted (edited)

A couple of science jokes:

--An argon atom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! Noble gases aren't allowed in here!" The argon had no reaction.

--A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go deer hunting together. They spy their first deer and the physicist says, "This one is mine!" He aims but forgets to account for wind resistance, so his shot falls 10 feet short.
The engineer steps forward. "Let me show you how it's done!" He lines up his shot and accounts for the wind resistance but he overcompensates and his shot goes 10 feet long.
The statistician immediately gets excited and starts jumping up and down. "We got him! We got him!"

A two-part Buddhist joke:

--A Buddhist approaches a hot dog cart and the vendor says, "What'll you have?" The Buddhist says, "Make me one with everything."

--So, the vendor makes up his order and the Buddhist pays with a $20 bill. The Buddhist looks expectantly at the vendor for a few seconds and then says, "What about my change?" The vendor says, "Change comes only from within".

Edited by Webhead123
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites
TDIRunner

TDIRunner | 2,779

Posted
Posted

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a very revealing negligee. She said nothing, but instead took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom. There she engaged him in the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced.

When he could hardly even speak, let alone think of more sex, she somehow managed to shower him, dress him, and take him downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. She poured him a cup of steaming coffee and noticed his strength returning as she rubbed his neck soothingly.

Just then, as she was pouring a second cup of Java feeling like life couldn't get any better, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

He blurted out, "This whole neighborhood has been incredible on my last day, but this here ... well, this is just too wonderful for words!"
Then, puzzled, he added, "... but ... what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and I said that we should do something special for you. I asked him what he thought I should give you." He grunted and said, "Aw fuck him; give him a dollar." Then she added, "Breakfast and the neck rub were MY idea."

  • Like 2
  • Haha 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites
nrslam

nrslam | 477

Posted
Posted (edited)

Two traveling salesmen get to talking in the hotel bar. "So, you're from Texas," salesman from Rhode Island says," What's that like?"  "Well, son, I get in my truck in the morning, drive just as fast as that truck will go, and 30 minutes later I still haven't come to the edge of my property."

Spoiler

Other salesman shakes his head and says, "Yeah, I used to have a car like that."

Old man walks up to receptionist in a crowded waiting room and loudly announces "There's something wrong with my dick!" Receptionist replies "You can't say that in a room full of people! Go back out, then come in and say something else, like your ear hurts." Old man leaves, then returns to receptionist and says "There's something wrong with my ear!" Receptionist smiles, then asks sweetly "What's wrong with your ear, sir?"

Spoiler

"I can't piss out of it!"

 

Edited by nrslam
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites
Tabonga

Tabonga | 2,345

Posted
Posted

A Texan and an Alaskan were at a conference in Minneapolis and after the day's events were over they went out drinking.

They spent the night quaffing beers while arguing in a friendly manner about which state was bigger/better etc.

When the bars closed they found themselves having to walk back to their hotel since they didn't have a cell phone to call for a ride.

They entered a park and while crossing a bridge over a stream their bladders reminded them of what they had been doing all evening.

They each faced off the opposite sides of the bridge. 

The Alaskan immediately said "Water sure is cold!".

To which the Texan replied:

Spoiler

Deep too!

 

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...