Hooking up with married women.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

9 hours ago, Link said:

I'm probably dealing with mental stuff too. Substance abuse, depression, trauma, etc. I'm also relatively fit and such. But most people my age are married, most younger people are by default not interested, and I am goddamn done with older women. 

Over the last year I had to slow my drinking down or I was gonna kill myself. I am completely done with it for now. When I started to drink less is when I got into trouble. My second favorite thing after drinking is ladies. I love to flirt, especially with attractive older women. Unfortunately they are usually married. 

[Richardhead | 2,825]

9 hours ago, Link said:

1. Find some regular activity, a fun environment where you can meet and gradually get to know people. Is there is some kind of regular thing you can do? Some club or class or church (as an atheist I would do UU, which I was raised in), a reading club, music or arcade scene, community meetings or industry night etc. This is a challenge for me with my work schedule but I'm lately thinking I can do some things even if not every week. 

Finding another hobby can’t be a bad idea. I already get out and do plenty by myself. I love seeing movies alone, I go al least 2 times a week. I also go to an arcade near me at least once a week, and I go out to eat alone. I do quiet like doing these things alone. 

[Richardhead | 2,825]

3 hours ago, jonebone said:

Maybe confused?  But you're making really bad decisions here.  And crazily enough, you haven't faced any real consequences for those decisions, probably why you keep making more of them.  

The consequences are inevitably coming though, I really hope you don't get hurt seriously or worse.  

There have been some very real consequences for my actions over the last 2 years. I am not dead yet. So I guess I’ve dodged that bullet so far.

[spacepup | 2,412]

You know that you have a problem and are heading down a destructive path and have admitted it, which is good.  

You know that you need help and have admitted it, which is also good.

When you said you should 'bump this up' the priority list with your therapist, that is a big understatement.  I'd definitely recommending talking with a professional about it.  It's clear there are some deeper things causing some of these symptoms and actions, and that isn't really something this forum community can fix.  People can provide thoughts and advice, sure, but this is serious and important enough that I'd recommend immediate working with a therapist / counselor.  It seems like an addiction and I also know there are support groups for that.  

I can't answer the poll or assess you as a person, but you know you are taking huge risks and if you are scared about the consequences, as it seems you are, you should take this very seriously and investigate as many avenues as necessary to work on it.  

I do hope you can get all the help you need, and find yourself in a safer place.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

11 hours ago, Bearcat-Doug said:

Do you have somewhere you could go to hang out and socialize with people? If you like running and cycling, maybe joining a gym would help. If you don't drink anymore, maybe try hanging out at a coffee shop or something?

I like to work. I work with a bunch of really attractive women too. I’ve been good there though, as I really do like that job.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

56 minutes ago, Bearcat-Doug said:

I can relate with this and what @Richardhead says about not liking to be alone. Being alone with nothing to do is just an invitation to get in trouble just for some sort of excitement. 

As was said in this thread earlier, I have a very self destructive attitude when I’m alone. But yes, It is easy for me to get into all kinds of trouble when I’m alone. Alcohol has always been my go to self destructive behavior. I guess I decided I’d like to die some other way

[Richardhead | 2,825]

1 hour ago, a3quit4s said:

Also, if you think these married women are exclusively cheating on their husbands with you, please take this reality pill with a glass of water. 

One of these ladies is only seeing me. The other two are most definitely seeing others. 
the one who’s only seeing me is definitely a person I’d like to be with forever. Been sleeping with her on and off for 25 years. For whatever reason we never were able to make it work due to life events. Next thing you know, I’m married, she’s married and we just never got the chance to make anything official.

[a3quit4s | 4,126]

1 hour ago, Richardhead said:

One of these ladies is only seeing me. The other two are most definitely seeing others. 
the one who’s only seeing me is definitely a person I’d like to be with forever. Been sleeping with her on and off for 25 years. For whatever reason we never were able to make it work due to life events. Next thing you know, I’m married, she’s married and we just never got the chance to make anything official.

I’ve typed up and deleted like four responses to this but honestly I’m out. I wish you luck with all this and hopefully it works out for you

Edited August 17, 2023 by a3quit4s

[fcgamer | 4,754]

1 hour ago, Richardhead said:

I have. It was me not wanting to change for the better. My mental state regularly ruins good things. I get so deep in depression sometimes that I can’t change things for the better. She is a wonderful person and I still love her very much. But I know she deserved better than me. When she said she was leaving, I didn’t give up much of a fight to keep her.

You deserve the best, my friend, and this is something that should never be forgotten. I know it may sound a bit cliché but it's true. In fact, everyone deserves the best, it's just quite lucky that everyone in this world needs, wants, and desires different things.

Id' reckon that if you address the depression issue first, the rest will fall into place. Having been under the black cloud so many times in my adult years, that has generally been the root of my other (destructive) problems.

[fcgamer | 4,754]

@Richardhead : Have you considered ballroom dancing? It sounds like the perfect thing to me - you'd get to be doing something new, presumably, which would be fun and exciting. Furthermore, you could interact and flirt with a bunch of women, many of whom likely would be single (I'd just make a mental agreement with myself before starting to not pursue the married ones full stop, but then again, I guess their partners might be taking dancing lessons at the same studio so that would also be a deterrent.

But yeah, this could be a healthy and fun way to get out and be around people, meet some quality single women, etc. Best part, if you're in shape as you claim to be, it shouldn't even be that difficult to jump right in!

[wongojack | 223]

I'm no therapist, but I think my advice would be twofold

1) Stop calling yourself names.  You aren't a "bad" person or "destructive."  You are who you are and that means there are things you like and things you don't.  You have this in common with everyone on the planet.  It doesn't help to single yourself out and call yourself names.

2) Think about what it is that you REALLY want.  Do you want to be in a committed relationship again?  Do you want to be with that person for the rest of your life?  When is it that you feel the happiest?

 

It is oversimplifying things to say that you should prioritize the things that will actually lead you to get the things you want, but that is what you need to do.  If you really sit down with yourself and honestly can say that you want to be single and diddle unavailable women, then face that truth.  If you want something else then you need to make some different choices, but getting to that decision through experimentation doesn't make you a "Bad" person.  You may have some apologies to make to actually feel better about your choices, but that is also very normal.

[final fight cd | 187]

I don’t see how anything good can come from this.  I like to look towards the future and surely this will all crumble at some point and homes will inevitably be wrecked.  This would make me want to steer away from it. I always like to think long term and use the head on my shoulder and not the one my pants.  
 

Have you seen a therapist?
 

[G-type | 2,533]

I think it is the obligation of the person IN the relationship to respect the relationship and set the boundaries... I don't buy into blaming the outsider. At the same time, not everyone sees it that way and this could very easily end badly for you. It's probably not worth it. 

[a3quit4s | 4,126]

9 minutes ago, G-type said:

I think it is the obligation of the person IN the relationship to respect the relationship and set the boundaries... I don't buy into blaming the outsider. At the same time, not everyone sees it that way and this could very easily end badly for you. It's probably not worth it. 

Takes two to tango, both are bad people. Not happy in your marriage? Get divorced. Plenty of women who aren’t married to fuck around with

Edited August 17, 2023 by a3quit4s

[fcgamer | 4,754]

Just now, a3quit4s said:

Takes two to tango, both  are bad people. Not happy in your marriage? Get divorced. Plenty of women who aren’t married to fuck around with

Well I think the husband is likely a bad person too, given what I've read on why women tend to have extramarital affairs.

Don't want to pull your weight to make the relationship work? Then you deserve to get cheated on.

[fcgamer | 4,754]

12 minutes ago, G-type said:

I think it is the obligation of the person IN the relationship to respect the relationship and set the boundaries... I don't buy into blaming the outsider. 

Agreed 100% . 

The relationship between the husband and wife likely was already garbage that it even got to this point.

[spacepup | 2,412]

2 minutes ago, fcgamer said:

Well I think the husband is likely a bad person too, given what I've read on why women tend to have extramarital affairs.

Don't want to pull your weight to make the relationship work? Then you deserve to get cheated on.

I don't think it's fair to say a random 'husband' is a bad person because there are some articles out there about why women 'tend' to have affairs.  

There is no blanket one-size-fits-all answer for these situations, and it depends on the people involved.  We don't know these people and can make no assessment whatsoever on the causes, problems, or anything.  

 

[fcgamer | 4,754]

9 minutes ago, spacepup said:

I don't think it's fair to say a random 'husband' is a bad person because there are some articles out there about why women 'tend' to have affairs.  

There is no blanket one-size-fits-all answer for these situations, and it depends on the people involved.  We don't know these people and can make no assessment whatsoever on the causes, problems, or anything.  

 

It's not fair to say a random man sleeping with the wife of a random husband is a bad person either though, just because culture has made that the knee-jerk reaction for many  

 

[a3quit4s | 4,126]

I would probably just summarize as everyone sucks here 

[ThePhleo | 2,186]

24 minutes ago, G-type said:

I think it is the obligation of the person IN the relationship to respect the relationship and set the boundaries... I don't buy into blaming the outsider. At the same time, not everyone sees it that way and this could very easily end badly for you. It's probably not worth it. 

Hypothetical Scenario:

Your daughter goes and steals money out of your wallet after your son tells her he’ll drive her to the mall to buy stuff as long as he gets some cash out of it too.

As a parent you’d be upset with both of them, and blame your son for encouraging her, and even bribing her with fun.

[Hammerfestus | 3,889]

23 minutes ago, a3quit4s said:

Takes two to tango, both are bad people. Not happy in your marriage? Get divorced. Plenty of women who aren’t married to fuck around with

What does her tax status have to do with it?

[Khromak | 770]

Sorry, but if you have sex with a woman who you know is married, you're a bad person. It doesn't matter what she tells you (or you know) is going on in the relationship, or how unhappy she (says she) is.

You do not romantically pursue or have sexual interactions with people whose partner believes they are exclusively dating. If you wouldn't do whatever you're thinking of doing while the other party was aware, then it's immoral. Full stop.

If they're truly unhappy or being mistreated, they need to exit that situation before they start dating/sleeping with others. If you participate in this willingly, you are doing a bad thing.

[G-type | 2,533]

Just now, ThePhleo said:

Hypothetical Scenario:

Your daughter goes and steals money out of your wallet after your son tells her he’ll drive her to the mall to buy stuff as long as he gets some cash out of it too.

As a parent you’d be upset with both of them, and blame your son for encouraging her, and even bribing her with fun.

There's all kinds of temptations out in the world. I believe responsibility falls ultimately on the person who chose to do the thing.

[fcgamer | 4,754]

1 minute ago, Hammerfestus said:

What does her tax status have to do with it?

Well that's a whole other thing itself, marriage has definitely been "cheapened" over the past few decades, in terms of taking vowels and trying to follow them. 

[Khromak | 770]

1 minute ago, G-type said:

There's all kinds of temptations out in the world. I believe responsibility falls ultimately on the person who chose to do the thing.

Is it not a bad thing to tell someone they should steal, and that you'll reward them for doing so? Is he not also gaining from the stealing? He's getting some of the cash, and enjoying the experience, both of which because he told her to do it. You actually think the son did nothing wrong here?

There are levels of blame, in both the stealing and the cheating scenario. I don't think that people who are complicit are as responsible as the daughter/wife in these scenarios, but they're still doing a bad, morally wrong thing. Blame isn't binary