Hooking up with married women.

[ThePhleo | 2,186]

You were cheated on, and decided to let not one, but three other dudes go through those same feelings?

wat?

And at your age you aren't being messing with a 10 year marriage, you're messing with a marriage that spans a couple decades now. Jesus man...at least get them after the divorce.

Edited August 17, 2023 by ThePhleo

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

10 minutes ago, Richardhead said:

I have a lot of life experience as well. My problem is that when I’m single, I get myself into trouble. 
I have a very hard time being alone. 
Loneliness isn’t my favorite feeling. 

Do you have somewhere you could go to hang out and socialize with people? If you like running and cycling, maybe joining a gym would help. If you don't drink anymore, maybe try hanging out at a coffee shop or something?

[Richardhead | 2,825]

3 minutes ago, ThePhleo said:

You were cheated on, and decided to let not one, but three other dudes go through those same feelings?

wat?

Yeah. I’m not a good person. Maybe I used to be. But all that went out the door a while back. 

I am beyond regretful for all of this. 

[ThePhleo | 2,186]

Just now, Richardhead said:

Yeah. I’m not a good person. Maybe I used to be. But all that went out the door a while back. 

I am beyond regretful for all of this. 

I mean, ok you do you in that front.

But, karma is a bitch and the three dudes you're describing sound almost like the stereotypical dude you DON'T want to piss off by screwing their wives.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

3 minutes ago, Bearcat-Doug said:

Do you have somewhere you could go to hang out and socialize with people? If you like running and cycling, maybe joining a gym would help. If you don't drink anymore, maybe try hanging out at a coffee shop or something?

As weird as this sounds, I’m not a very social person. I do go out to places alone. I invite people often and they can’t do it.

Being old sucks man

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

Just now, Richardhead said:

Being old sucks man

You're telling me! 

[Richardhead | 2,825]

2 minutes ago, ThePhleo said:

I mean, ok you do you in that front.

But, karma is a bitch and the three dudes you're describing sound almost like the stereotypical dude you DON'T want to piss off by screwing their wives.

Correct. 
I’m I am not looking forward to the confrontation that is inevitably going to happen. 
I am fit  enough to protect myself in certain situations though. 
Not that it’s going to solve the problem if they go a certain route.

[ThePhleo | 2,186]

11 minutes ago, Richardhead said:

Correct. 
I’m I am not looking forward to the confrontation that is inevitably going to happen. 
I am fit  enough to protect myself in certain situations though. 
Not that it’s going to solve the problem if they go a certain route.

 

A good portion of regular guys will just (rightly) kick your ass.

So, you have a bodybuilder, a cop, and a literal psychopath as your self-made enemies.

1. Body builder will likely just kick your ass.
2. The Psycho is liable to kill you.
3. But the Cop? That's a nightmare scenario if he has any seniority at all.

Also, all three of these woman are highly likely to get whipped (or even killed) themselves.

Like, is it really that hard to download Tinder? You said you're a fit guy, right?

Edited August 17, 2023 by ThePhleo

[Richardhead | 2,825]

5 minutes ago, ThePhleo said:

 

A good portion of guys will just (rightly) kick your ass.

So, you have a bodybuilder, a cop, and a literal psychopath as your self-made enemies.

1. Body builder will likely just kick your ass.
2. The Psycho is liable to kill you.
3. But the Cop? That's a nightmare scenario if he has any seniority at all.

Also, all three of these woman are highly likely to get whipped (or even killed) themselves.

Like, is it really that hard to download Tinder? You said you're a fit guy, right?

I am in the best shape of my life. I run 7 minute miles and cycle 100’s of miles per week. So yeah, I’d say i am fit.

I thought aboot tinder. But I like things to happen without the interwebs. I’ve know these chicks for many years. All of which I’ve wanted for many years. 
I struggle with mental illnesses and I make bad decisions. Especially when it comes to women. 
I will definitely try to cut this shit out. It’s just hard to do.

 

[fcgamer | 4,754]

10 minutes ago, ThePhleo said:

Like, is it really that hard to download Tinder? You said you're a fit guy, right?

Tinder and dating apps suck ballz, a proper waste of time. 

[Reed Rothchild | 9,588]

Okay, when we all come down in a few weeks, at least 2 wives are coming with us, and I know if (when) we get loaded this is going to come up 

[fcgamer | 4,754]

@Richardhead There's a lot to unpack here, I'll post my thoughts in about an hour after I eat lunch. Definitely wouldn't just say you're a bad person or a dumbass though.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

3 minutes ago, fcgamer said:

@Richardhead There's a lot to unpack here, I'll post my thoughts in about an hour after I eat lunch. Definitely wouldn't just say you're a bad person or a dumbass though.

Oddly enough. I look forward to what you have to say. Despite what others say aboot you, I respect the things you say. 
I will sat that I don’t mind if you call me a bad person or a dumbass though.

I have come to terms with my actions. I know I am both of those things.

[Richardhead | 2,825]

Added “bad person” to the poll.

Sorry I didn’t think of that.

Edited August 17, 2023 by Richardhead

[Link | 2,734]

Well I've somewhat been there. 

I visited an old friend, at her insistence. We got drunk, started to make out a little (I started it), her husband walked in and kicked me out. We still had an affair afterwards, again at her insistence. I broke it off. I need to find my own life. But we still talk every day. 

I'm probably dealing with mental stuff too. Substance abuse, depression, trauma, etc. I'm also relatively fit and such. But most people my age are married, most younger people are by default not interested, and I am goddamn done with older women. 

So. I get where you're coming from. What the fuck is there to do? I struggle to meet new people too. I'm not a good conversationalist. Definitely not with strangers but even with friends it's hard. Flirting in the moment is not in my skillset as I've seen time and time again. l'esprit de l'escalier is my life. I don't think you have that problem, at least.

I can say two things.

1. Find some regular activity, a fun environment where you can meet and gradually get to know people. Is there is some kind of regular thing you can do? Some club or class or church (as an atheist I would do UU, which I was raised in), a reading club, music or arcade scene, community meetings or industry night etc. This is a challenge for me with my work schedule but I'm lately thinking I can do some things even if not every week. 

2. I get the app attitude. They suck all around. But if you can talk better than I can - and I think you can - you have a good chance. Consider apps that arent tinder too. Bumble, ok cupid. Either way you wanna have a variety of pictures (face shot, full body, public, activity or hobby, with friends, anything cool...) and a bio with both brevity and substance. Be clever. Just gotta show that you're better than the competition, which men have a lot of, and also be humble. Or dominant. Whatever attitude works with your personality. 

I'm trying to work on both of those and also get over some real shit  

[fcgamer | 4,754]

2 hours ago, Richardhead said:

 

 

Quote

I was cheated on aboot 10 years ago while married.

It completely wrecked my life.

I had experienced a similar situation about seven years ago. I wasn't married, nor was I engaged, but I was planning on getting engaged once the girl finished her internship needed to complete graduate school (she had just started the internship and it was either for six months or a year), then after a quick engagement marriage a few months later (in Taiwan people generally get married shortly after getting engaged, and as we had been living together off and on, and had been dating for about five years, the relationship was quite serious).

Anyways, the whole situation left me in shambles and changed the way I felt about life as a whole, as well as wrecked my physical health and to some extent my mental health.

Quote

I somehow almost immediately hooked up with a chick that seemingly was going to be “the one”. That went on for aboot 8 years. It was amazing.

That's good.

Quote

Then covid happened and we grew apart. It ended amicably. We are still friends even. 

Have you given any self-reflection as to what caused the two of you to grow apart? Was it simply because of covid preventing you guys from seeing each other or doing things, or did something else happen during this time?

 

Quote

Now here I am, over the age of 40 and I have a problem. All of the women I am into are married.  

I'm just a few years shy of being forty, but I can definitely relate to this situation. 

 

Quote

They tell me stories of abuse and neglect. While I know every story had 3 sides, I choose to only take their word for it.

It's not on you to hear or consider any other side to the story, something I'll elaborate on in a bit.

Quote

I am definitely afraid of all of these women’s husbands. One is a body builder, one is an ex cop and the other is just a psychopath.

I'd rank them in a similar way as Phleo did, definitely be most worried about the ex cop, then the psycho. The body builder will rough you up, but if you can survive the beating, the long term results would be better than anything a vengeful cop of psycho might try to do.

Quote

I just can’t seem to help myself. They are all very attractive and I’ve known them all for a very long time.

Quote

I feel like this shit is spiraling out of control. I never meant for any of this to go down the way it has.

I'll discuss these points in a bit.

Quote

Am I a dumbass or just very confused ?

From what information you've provided us, I'd say confused would be my vote.

--

Let's first discuss the idea of extramarital affairs, or even cheating in general (more and more people aren't even getting married, so I think this applies to those situations too). The perception of people having affairs varies greatly culture by culture. From my understanding it is quite common for men to have affairs in Japan, and affairs seem to be viewed as fairly normal or common in France. In Taiwan, I know a lot of people who have had extramarital affairs, it was quite shocking when I first moved abroad, but culturally it's somewhat expected here. Then there is the situation of rich / famous people having affairs like there's no tomorrow - again, it's just something that a lot of rich / famous people do, without thinking twice, and when we turn on the news and see that a famous celebrity hooked up with someone else, we don't even bat an eye. I guess what I am getting at is that although knowingly sleeping with a married woman isn't generally accepted in our culture, I also believe that it isn't at all just a matter of you being a scoundrel and a bad person, rather it's just a situation that should be examined as the situation it is.

Again from my understanding, the reasons why men and women cheat are vastly different. For men, generally they aren't sexually satisfied with their partner - maybe she stopped being sexually active with them, or let herself go and is unattractive. Or maybe she just hates giving blow jobs and he wants a bj. If a man always eats hamburgers, he might spring for a chicken sandwich one day, but then he'll go back to eating hamburgers afterwards. Men generally will use affairs for the thrill or the sexual pleasure, just a way to supplement what they already are getting.

On the other hand, women generally cheat when their needs are not being fulfilled. Their partner never tells them how beautiful they are anymore. Their husband becomes complacent, the marriage turns into a routine of work-dinner-TV-sleep, and he doesn't want to listen to what she has to say, about her dreams, goals, her life. So she begins to cash out and finds someone who can fulfill these needs, and an affair begins. Without trying to be stereotypical, from my experience I really do believe that women are much more in-tune with their relationships, so they can see when things are going bad before the man does.

Whether the women are being abused or not isn't important here, rather they are all obviously not being fulfilled by their husbands  / marriages, hence the reason they are with you. So no, I wouldn't say that you ruined their relationships or anything, their relationships were ruined waaay before you came around.

-

So I've established that you aren't a "bad" person from the above. Regarding being a dumbass, well yeah picking women whose husbands could ruin you wasn't a smart move (the same reason why I opted not to have a casual relationship with a colleague whose parents are both lawyers), but in the end, I'd say you are just confused or possibly just lost.

I guess the first thing I'd have to ask is if you want to find one woman to partner with seriously, or if you prefer the bachelor lifestyle? While I think a large portion of men (myself included) do want to pair up by our age, it's something that I can't take for granted as a given "yes", as I know some people who are bachelors at 65 getting $10 hand jobs in Vietnam and then sharing us the deets.

If you aren't just looking to live the bachelor lifestyle, then I think these are the things to consider:

A. You enjoy the company of a woman

B. You want to be with a high-quality woman

C. You said yourself you do stupid things when by yourself

Regarding "C", I tend to be the same way. I've always felt that men need women to help keep them "grounded", so-to-speak. Otherwise we end up doing ridiculous things, whether it be drinking too much, collecting tens of thousands of old video games whilst sustaining oneself on instant noodles, or whatever.

Going back to "A", the problem is that the world is designed for couples. So in addition to feeling lonely, you are also by proxy missing out on other activities such as going out to eat to nice restaurants, going to the movies, checking out the latest opera, or whatever else couples do together. Sure singles can do all of these things, but it gets to be ackward and weird at times, and who wants to go for a fancy dinner alone? 

This brings us back to point "B" - the women you are attracted to, around your age, are all married. Meeting new people in this day and age is hell, especially for some sort of decent relationship. Many people don't socialize anymore or go out with the desire to meet new people, especially for relationships, and while it might be better in the States, online dating has been one big fat waste of time for me here in Taiwan. So you really might need to work hard towards solving this problem, but long-term, married women probably aren't going to be the solution - if anything, it's like the situationship FWB I'm with, where it is likely holding me back from finding a proper relationship. 

So here's personally what I would do:

1. Break it off with the three wives before things get ugly. Just remember, the marriages were likely ruined before you even got involved.

2. Do some serious self-reflection regarding your two previous LTR - the one where the woman cheated on you, and also the one where the two of you grew distant. Try to view things from all views and angles, as this sort of self-reflection is really useful for the next time something comes around (at least that's always how I've personally felt).

3. Also think about the attributes or whatever that draw you to the three wives. Maybe even write out the attributes you want in a woman, and see what boxes each of the wives ticked. It might sound stupid, but the results may surprise you when compared to what you *think* you care about in a partner.

4. Now since you know what you want in a partner, use this information to your advantage by going places and doing things that the kinds of people you are looking for might do.

Final thoughts: You mentioned that you feel happy now in life and with the situation with the married women. As an anecdote of sorts, I feel happy going home and getting plastered after work, until I pass out on the couch; however, such (self-destructive) behavior has caused me a myriad of health issues and while I am strong-willed enough I can overcome anything I desire, it sometimes becomes hard to even know how to begin to untie the mess, which leads to hopelessness. Continuing on as you're doing will likely lead you to progressively worse situations, which will just become harder and harder to break away from.

I think you realize that a change is needed, hence why you posted this thread to begin with, and that's a start. You're at the reigns, and you've got a wonderful kitty as a co-pilot, if you ever want to chat about anything, I'm just a DM away.

Sorry this post is a bit disjointed, btw, but I think there is just so much going on from all sides.

 

 

[fcgamer | 4,754]

1 hour ago, Richardhead said:

Oddly enough. I look forward to what you have to say. Despite what others say aboot you, I respect the things you say. 
I will sat that I don’t mind if you call me a bad person or a dumbass though.

I have come to terms with my actions. I know I am both of those things.

Thanks! I feel the same way and wish I'd see you around more in the threads.

[fcgamer | 4,754]

1 hour ago, Link said:

I'm probably dealing with mental stuff too. Substance abuse, depression, trauma, etc. I'm also relatively fit and such. But most people my age are married, most younger people are by default not interested, and I am goddamn done with older women. 

So. I get where you're coming from. What the fuck is there to do? I struggle to meet new people too. I'm not a good conversationalist. Definitely not with strangers but even with friends it's hard. Flirting in the moment is not in my skillset as I've seen time and time again. l'esprit de l'escalier is my life. I don't think you have that problem, at least.

Yeah these are quite true points. At least talking to random people when out and about is relatively normal in the States.

Regarding conversations and what not, what I've always believed is that one should diversify in terms of their activities / hobbies / knowledge. Let's say you love playing guitar and have been playing for fifteen years. Maybe it's now time to plant some tomatoes and herbs and start a garden, even if you've never done it before. It helps alleviate the mundaneness of life as it's something new, and also helps you to "level up" in your knowledge, thus making conversation much, much easier when out and about. And as the activity is outside of your usual routine, you might meet a different set of people too.

[Tyree_Cooper | 772]

sure, i hook up regularly with my married wife

[jonebone | 1,307]

Maybe confused?  But you're making really bad decisions here.  And crazily enough, you haven't faced any real consequences for those decisions, probably why you keep making more of them.  

The consequences are inevitably coming though, I really hope you don't get hurt seriously or worse.  

[OptOut | 8,892]

10 hours ago, Richardhead said:

I am currently sleeping with 3 married women.

The hero we do deserve. 

[a3quit4s | 4,126]

I feel like you are just waiting to get your ass kicked and really more welcoming the destructive behavior with three married women whom are married to people whom you fear. You actually just want these guys to feel as bad as you do because you could be dating 15 married women and still not fill that empty feeling you have when you are alone. The thing to do here would be end it with these ladies, probably friendship wise as well for now because you don’t want the added guilt of ruining someone else’s marriage. Seek therapy and work through your shit. You won’t be able to sustain a relationship otherwise. You clearly want to be in a relationship again but you have real mental damage from being cheated on. 
 

Also, if you think these married women are exclusively cheating on their husbands with you, please take this reality pill with a glass of water. 

Edited August 17, 2023 by a3quit4s

[Hammerfestus | 3,889]

I’d like to vote for confused dumbass please .  There’s way too much reasonable and thoughtful advice in here.  I’m a bit concerned that the SNES is having a negative impact on men’s testosterone levels.  

 

You mean to tell me nobody else wants to slip the ol salami to dog walker lady from down the street?

[Bearcat-Doug | 5,105]

8 hours ago, Link said:

I'm probably dealing with mental stuff too. Substance abuse, depression, trauma, etc. I'm also relatively fit and such. But most people my age are married, most younger people are by default not interested, and I am goddamn done with older women. 

So. I get where you're coming from. What the fuck is there to do? I struggle to meet new people too. 

I can relate with this and what @Richardhead says about not liking to be alone. Being alone with nothing to do is just an invitation to get in trouble just for some sort of excitement. 

[Richardhead | 2,825]

8 hours ago, fcgamer said:

Have you given any self-reflection as to what caused the two of you to grow apart? Was it simply because of covid preventing you guys from seeing each other or doing things, or did something else happen during this time?

I have. It was me not wanting to change for the better. My mental state regularly ruins good things. I get so deep in depression sometimes that I can’t change things for the better. She is a wonderful person and I still love her very much. But I know she deserved better than me. When she said she was leaving, I didn’t give up much of a fight to keep her.