Aging Parents

[fcgamer | 5,126]

So my father's been visiting me the past few weeks, and as he was showing me his tablet, he made a comment about how he made sure to buy one with a lot of memory and what not as he figured it might be the last device of the sort he would ever purchase. A few days later I was reading an article about how the latest line of the subway had been approved for construction in the city where I live, and that the project would take about ten years to complete. Considering where this new line is slated to head, it would be very useful for my folks and I to ride, but I then came to the realization that in ten years time, my father will be about eighty years old. 

I don't like the physical ailments that I have experienced from getting older, but these are issues I have (and in some cases have to) come to terms with, i.e. we sometimes just have to deal with aches and pains from injuries long gone by; however, the thing that scares me the most about aging is watching my parents age, knowing the inevitable loss that will somehow strike. Then there's an added complication on top of that, i.e. living literally on the other side of the world from my folks, though at least I'm now a permanent resident and can come and go as I please, allowing me the freedom to visit my family more often.

Obviously if you aren't close with your family or were abused by them or something, this might not be the thread for you, but for everyone else: how do you cope with the mental fuck that is watching your parents age and become elderly? I know I might come across as juvenile but I just find the whole thing totally frightening to think about, especially as my folks are definitely not the most health-conscientious people on the planet, something that just is what it is. 

Edited February 17, 2024 by fcgamer

[RH | 5,414]

I hear you but honestly this is a thing to take one day at a time.  Call your parents often, tell them you love them just do what you have to do.

My Mom and Dad divorced and remarried. My Dad is all but estranged to me now. We might text once a year.  My Mom and I still converse a lot.  My step Dad is starting to have his memory slip so my Mom has to pick up a bit of the slack.  Fortunate for him, he also has two daughters from his first marriage and I know they love him and take care of him.  I have two other siblings with my Mom. One of them still lives in the same city as Mom and I hope he can help take care of her as she ages but, honestly, I don’t l know.  This would be overwhelming but my Mom is still capable of taking care of herself and my step Dad, so as I said, one day at a time.  But one day, I suspect I’ll have to get more involved in her life.

As for my wife’s parents, they are older too but extremely healthy. They tried to do a good job of taking care of themselves for the past 2 decades and they are mentally and physically sharp.  Still, my wife is an only child so as they age, we know we will have to take care of them too.

It’s daunting but the benefit for us is we’ve seen our parents model care taking for our Grandparents.  In fact, I have only one Grand Mother remaining between my wife and I. She has dementia. My Aunt and Uncle live with her now and my Mom helps when she can.

It’s tough to see sometimes. My Grand Mother was the best Grandparent a kid could have. I don’t really know what I’m saying but, I guess, I get it.  Getting old is hard but watching your loved ones get old is even harder.

[Code Monkey | 2,237]

A few days ago my mom had a heart attack and has been in the hospital all week awaiting a triple bypass.

You think your parents are healthy until reality tells you otherwise.

[Gloves | 12,577]

Conversely, I don't speak to my parents, haven't in I think over a decade now. No plans or desire to. In fact I have a completely other worry - that one day they might come knocking looking to me for care, despite the estrangement. Fortunately to my knowledge in Canada they can't force me to become their caregiver or to send them money. 

[jonebone | 1,335]

I watched a Stallone documentary the other day and unfortunately he had one very real quote that hit me hard, especially as I've just turned 40.

"Life is addition up until 40, then it's about subtraction".  

Sad but true and you have to mentally prepare yourself to accept it.  While you're viewing it as your parents, its everyone sadly.  Most of your friends will eventually pass or you'll be the one to go.  Children grow up and leave the nest.  People retire and lose their social connections at work.  Parents are very important and I'm extremely thankful both of mine still alive (almost 79 and going on 70), but the point is that deaths or loss of connections is something we have to cope with as we age.

Make the most of the time you have as it's a finite clock.  Take some vacations or research some "things to ask your parents" lists, there's a ton out there.  I see my parents about an hour or so every week and typically the conversation is surface level "how's it going / what's new / so and so did this / etc.", but when you get actively plan some deeper stuff, you really learn.  This past Xmas season I asked really pointed questions about their childhood Xmas memories and learned some things I never knew before.  Just take things a bit deeper when you can and accept the fact that time catches up to us all. 

[Californication | 1,491]

Jonebone said that well. I can personally say, that the best thing you can do is talk to your family so things don't get left unsaid and really listen to them for what they need. Adults that I know don't like asking their kids for things so you have to be proactive in helping them. And I am a sentimental person so I think mementos help with cope with the eventual loss.

Edited February 18, 2024 by Californication

[doner24 | 1,234]

It’s not easy, but I think it’s natural that the older you get the more you come to grips with your own mortality, which makes watching those older than you go downhill a little easier. 
 

One thing having a child has shown me is that the alternative would be much worse, in watching one of your children struggle with health problems. 

[Strange | 1,743]

How do I deal? I don’t. I just lost my mom to cancer. It’s a devastating feeling. I worry about my dad, who is around the same age as yours, every single day. I call nearly every day and visit as much as I can. That’s really all we can do. Time is the most important resource in our lives and you’ll never feel like you had enough of it. I know I didn’t when my mom passed.

I haven’t figured out how to deal with the mental anguish but maybe someone else here can guide you better. My advice is to just spend time, spend time, spend time.

[Reed Rothchild | 10,066]

This quote may be blunt and insensitive (it is Patton after all), but it's always stuck with me:

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived.
George S. Patton Jr.

It will be very sad when my loved ones pass.  But I'm blessed to have ever known them.

[Estil | 1,297]

My grandma is 91 and her mental capacities most definitely aren't what they used to be for sure.  I mean don't misunderstand me I'm very fortunate to have had her and my grandpa (1927-2012) as long as I have and I've got to make all kinds of fond memories and such with them (I visit her to play cards with her on Sunday afternoons as we happen to be only 1/2 mile apart).  You know losing my wife was bad enough but I've known my grandma my whole life and even if she manages to make it to 95 or even 100, I know whenever it's her time to check out it's gonna really suck balls  

[Estil | 1,297]

7 hours ago, Reed Rothchild said:

This quote may be blunt and insensitive (it is Patton after all), but it's always stuck with me:

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived.
George S. Patton Jr.

It will be very sad when my loved ones pass.  But I'm blessed to have ever known them.

Indeed, if it weren't for great men like him, I think we might all be speaking German by now and the world might have a serious shortage of Jews!

Edited February 19, 2024 by Estil

[RH | 5,414]

12 hours ago, Estil said:

My grandma is 91 and her mental capacities most definitely aren't what they used to be for sure.  I mean don't misunderstand me I'm very fortunate to have had her and my grandpa (1927-2012) as long as I have and I've got to make all kinds of fond memories and such with them (I visit her to play cards with her on Sunday afternoons as we happen to be only 1/2 mile apart).  You know losing my wife was bad enough but I've known my grandma my whole life and even if she manages to make it to 95 or even 100, I know whenever it's her time to check out it's gonna really suck balls  

This sentiment is so true.  In fact, while I was thinking about the people I've known the longest in my life (obviously, family) at one point I then considered that both my brother and my sister will likely be the two people I will know the longest, when all is said and done.  I am also estranged to an extent from the both of them and if I see them, it's at our annual Christmas get-together at my Mom and step Dad's.

I mention this because when I paid attention to these facts and realized this, I started to tell my kids from time to time to be sure they be kind and love each other (even when their faults are showing)--when it comes to the span of their life times, unless one of them gets sick or has an untimely death, they will be the sole individuals for each other they will have known the longest.

And even with a spouse, my wife and I are deeply in love and close.  However, their are facets of my life she doesn't understand and their are parts of her life that are the same for me.  I met her when I was 19 and she met me at 18.  That was 19 and 18 years that she and I lived and experienced that we never observed of one another.  My brother and sister, though, grew up with me and they saw all the same good, bad and ugly of our childhoods.

I know this is about aging parents but your parents (assuming they were good parents) can have that type of connection with you but as we're discussing, they are likely to die and/or have their memories fade before ours.  But if you have siblings, even if those relationships are strained, they know and understand a part of your life that no one else will be able to fully understand.  Cherish them too, and try to keep in touch.  And yes, I'm kind of preaching to myself.

Edited February 19, 2024 by RH

[GPX | 1,439]

The circle of life - birth, grow bigger, get weaker, organs malfunction, death. The earlier we can accept this cycle, the more we can value our lives better and the lives of our loved ones. 

On personal reflection, my parents were below average in the parenting arena, having high expectations of me in academics and often emotionally neglected me while doing their own thing with their careers. My dad previously also had serious gambling problems. I used to have a lot of resentment for them as they never took the time to understand my goals and interests.

The present day me is more accepting of life’s positives and negatives and I don’t feel the same level of resentment as I once had for my parents. In fact, both are now with elderly ailments, and I’ve been paying them a lot more visits and can appreciate now how parenting has its own life challenges that you can never fully understand as a child. Nowadays, I let the bygones be bygones and appreciate each day as it comes. 

My life advice for anyone is that you should remind your parents to do regular yearly health checks to better their chance of longevity. Our bodies often start to show a decline in our 40s and it becomes faster and more noticeable by the decades.