Nugfish | 652 Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 I love comedy and am always curious to hear a new joke. Does anybody here on VGS have any good jokes to share? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted January 29, 2023 Author Share Posted January 29, 2023 An elderly couple is celebrating their 50th anniversary, and the woman tells her husband, "I want to do something special this year." The husband asks, "what are you thinking? Going to a French Bistro or a fancy steakhouse?" The woman says, "I want to do this thing that the kids are doing nowadays called a 69." Agreeing to his wife's desires, he strips down and lays on the bed. She slowly straddles over him and breaks wind. The woman quickly straightens up and embarrassingly looks behind her, but the man doesn't say anything. Thinking he somehow may not have noticed, she bends down again, but this time rips a massive fart. The woman nervously looks back to see how her husband handles it, and he says, "I love you as much as the first day we were married, honey, but I'm not sure I can take 67 more of these." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guillavoie | 1,210 Events Team · Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 A man meets a woman on the golf course and both get to please each others, but the man is serious about taking it slowly between them. So, everyday for a week, they both get along on the golf course, having a wonderful time golfing and getting to know each other. After a week, the man accepts her invitation to come at her place for dinner, and she prepares him the most delightful meal he ever ate, but, he still doesn't succumb to her charms, insisting on letting things evolve naturally between them. So for another week, they play golf every day, and every evening she treats him with the most satisfying of meals. At the end of the week, he finally let her kiss him, and you know for sure that she is the most passionate kisser any man would ever dream of. After that kiss, the man can't no longer restrain his desires, and he tells her that he's ready to follow her to the bedroom to consume their urging love. The lady then hesitates, she has something important to reveal: ''darling, before we go to bed together, I must tell you that... I'm a man''. The guy pauses, and then goes : ''What? You're a man, and you played from the fucking RED TEES?' 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabonga | 2,324 Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 Sven died and Ole told Lena that she should put an obituary in the paper for her late husband. So she went to the newspaper office and asked how much it would cost. The lady there said it would be $10 for six words and asked what Lena would like it to say. Lena said just say "Sven has died." The lady said it wouldn't cost any more for the full six words. Lena thought for a second and "Sven has died. Boat for sale." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeevan | 8,912 Events Helper · Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 What is the cultural difference between someone who lives in Abu Dhabi and someone who lives in Kuwait? Spoiler The folks who live in Kuwait don't like the Flintstones, but the Abu Dhabi Do! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeevan | 8,912 Events Helper · Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 An older Chinese couple were asleep after a long day at their restaurant. The Husband wakes up and is just ready to go. He nudges his wife and says babe, 69 right now. She moves around, not waking up. He nudges her again and says hey, 69 right now. She wakes up, rolls over and says, it's 2am, why you want beef and broccoli? 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted January 29, 2023 Author Share Posted January 29, 2023 A man is shot in the genitalia with a shotgun in a tragic hunting accident and is rushed to the ER. They get him back to stable condition, and the doctor says, "it looks like you have sustained quite a bit of damage to your penis with that buck shot, so I'll have to refer you to my sister." The man nervously asks, "why? Is she a plastic surgeon?" "No," the doctor replies, "she plays the flute. She'll have to show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabonga | 2,324 Posted January 29, 2023 Share Posted January 29, 2023 (edited) Sven and Ole were out fishing in Ole's boat one day. Sven says to Ole "I vant to smoke a cigarette - do you have a lighter? Ole said "I haf one da tackle box by your feet." So Sven opens the tackle box and retrieves a lighter that is a foot long. He says "Vere did yu get that whopper - at the Walmart?" Ole says "No, my genie gave it to me." Sven replied "You haf a genie? Can I see him?" Ole says "Ya - just rub the tackle box." Sven rubbed the tackbox - a genie appeared and says to Ole "What is your wish o master?" Sven looks at the genie and says - "Listen here Mr. Genie - I haf been Ole's best friend since kindergarten so I deserve a wish." The genie looks at Ole - who nods his head yes. The genie asked Sven what he wished for. Sven replied that he wanted a million bucks. The sky grew black and there was a vast amount of wind. This cleared up after a long while and the genie then went back in the tacklebox. Sven said "That is the dumbest genie ever - I asked for a million bucks and he sends a million ducks." To which Ole replied: Spoiler Oh he is not dumb. Just hard of hearing. Do you think I would ask for a 12" BIC? Edited January 29, 2023 by Tabonga 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted January 29, 2023 Author Share Posted January 29, 2023 What is the most obnoxious vegetable of them all? Spoiler The pepper 'cuz he's jalepen-yo business 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Count | 527 Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 My son wants to change all the clocks for daylight savings time, but I wont let him. Not on my watch. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DefaultGen | 5,413 Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here." Spoiler This is my favorite joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted January 30, 2023 Author Share Posted January 30, 2023 A man is sitting down for a job interview. Interviewer: It certainly looks like you are qualified for the position, but I am curious what this 4 year gap in your resume is? Interviewee: Oh, that was when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Wow, that's fantastic! Your hired! Interviewee: Thanks so much! Times have really been tough. I really needed this yob.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Estil | 1,265 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 Believe it or not, I came up with this one all on my own! I was so excited about the upcoming Bar-B-Q because they were gonna have prime rib! But when I got there, they told me the prime rib arrived spoiled. But not to worry, they said, they got some spare ribs! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 I watched a documentary on Netflix talking about the ant's impeccable immune system. They amazingly claim there wasn't one documented case of coronavirus in any ants throughout the years 2020-21. Spoiler It seems they have tiny, little anty-bodies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted February 3, 2023 Author Share Posted February 3, 2023 A penguin is having car trouble and has to bring his car in to his mechanic. The Mechanic says, 'If you have some time to kill, I may be able to take a look at it in about an hour." The penguin says "OK", walks next door to an an ice cream parlor to pass the time, and orders a large ice cream sunday. The penguin, wide-eyed, ends up abandoning his spoon and goes in flippers-first on this delicious sunday. Covered in ice cream, he walks back into the garage to find out what the damages are. Spoiler Mechanic: 'Hey, it looks like you blew a seal!' Penguin: 'Real funny, I just ate some ice cream. Just tell me the problem with my car! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted February 5, 2023 Author Share Posted February 5, 2023 A Christian businessman, while booking his room, tells the hotel manager to disable the smut off of his TV. A week later, the businessman arrives and asks, "Did you get the porn in my room disabled?" Spoiler The receptionist says, "No, you weirdo! we just have normal porn here." 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 A man comes home from work and finds a note his wife placed on his NES. The note says: "I knew you'd see this note on your Nintendo. All you do is come home and play your video games. It's JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE!" Spoiler The man shaking his head says, "I've told her time and time again, but she just doesn't listen: Clean the pins, and the game will fire right up." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanooki | 4,936 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 That or... 'I have told her before, take hold of it and blow' that'll fix it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted February 8, 2023 Author Share Posted February 8, 2023 Why is it that Communists only drink herbal tea? Spoiler Because proper-tea is theft! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabonga | 2,324 Posted February 16, 2023 Share Posted February 16, 2023 A young couple went to an art gallery. At the back was an easel with a painting showing a black angus with a halo over its head on a hill and at the bottom of the hill there was a large number of naked Native Americans - all of whom were copulating. The placard next to the easel said "Custer's Last Thought". The couple pondered it and just didn't understand the title. Finally a gallery attendant came by and they asked what it meant. The attendant said - Custer's last thought was: Spoiler "Holy cow - look at all the f**king Indians!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted February 16, 2023 Author Share Posted February 16, 2023 A proctologist is fed up with his choice of occupation. He comes home to his wife and says, "Nothing but buttholes 9-5, all day, every day. I've had enough!" His wife is taken off guard. "You put in all those years to get your doctorate. What are you gonna do? Become a family doctor?" asks the wife. "No," says the doctor, "Cars have been my hobby for years, so I'm going to go to school to become a mechanic." He takes a two year course to be an automotive technician and he receives a 150% on his final exam. The man, astonished, asks his teacher how he could have received a 150% on his test. "Well," says the teacher, "you took the engine apart flawlessly, so that's 50%. You put it back perfectly, so that's 50%. I know I should have given you more than 50% extra credit, but I didn't want the other students to be too jealous. "How did I earn the extra credit?" asks the man. Spoiler The teacher replies, "Well, I'll be damned if I've ever had anybody else take the exam through the tail pipe!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugfish | 652 Posted March 5, 2023 Author Share Posted March 5, 2023 (edited) A woman is fed up with her husband getting home late, so she decides to teach him a lesson. She writes a note saying: "This letter is goodbye. We've discussed how I want you home when you say you'll be home. I'll just find somebody else who actually values my time!" She places it on their dresser and hides under the bed to see his reaction. The husband, late as usual, walks into the bedroom and reads the letter. After staring at the note for a couple of minutes, he writes something down on the letter, picks up his phone, and says, "She's finally gone! Put on that black, lacy, little thing you wore the other night, and I'll be over in 10 minutes to do whatever you want." Once the husband leaves, she climbs out from under the bed and bursts out into hysterics, sobbing uncontrollably. After regaining a little control, she is curious what he wrote on her letter. The letter reads: Spoiler "I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed. We are out of ice cream. I'll be back in a few minutes." Edited March 5, 2023 by Nugfish 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Code Monkey | 2,011 Posted March 5, 2023 Share Posted March 5, 2023 What do you get when 2 developers spoon? A fork(); Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlackVega | 583 Posted March 8, 2023 Share Posted March 8, 2023 This thread should be renamed to more like "VGS Dad Joke thread" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabonga | 2,324 Posted April 7, 2023 Share Posted April 7, 2023 If Jessica Rabbit worked in a dentist's offce what would her job title be? Spoiler An ether bunny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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