Mental Illness

[ZeldaFreak | 3,631]

So, I've been feeling like shit tonight. Like, really shit. Not that that's an unusual occurrence for me, I have far, far more bad days than good, being someone who suffers from clinical depression (currently undiagnosed, granted, but quite apparent as I've suffered with it for years and years now. Pretty much from the time I was 13-14 onwards, and arguably even before that. 20 now at the time of creating this thread.) One of the things that I find helps me a bit (other than eating, there's a reason I'm as fat as I am) is to write down what I'm feeling and try to talk myself through it. Whether I'm writing to someone, or just writing to nobody in particular, I find that it helps. As I was starting to feel like shit, thinking "Hm, maybe I should write some stuff down," I had a sudden thought occur to me: There's not really a thread here on VGS dedicated to the topic of mental illness and those who suffer from the various forms it takes. Hell, I don't remember a thread like that existing back on NA either. So... why not create one?

This thread is intended to focus on the topic of mental illness, those who are mentally ill, and all related topics. Treatment, the road to recovery from it, pitfalls, research being done on various forms of treatment and medication, questions from those who don't consider themselves mentally ill, questions from those who do and are looking for some advice or just a bit of comradery, or just from people looking to vent, etc. Just a general hub for discussion of this sort of thing, as while I've had a few conversations about it with various members here and there, there's never been a hub specifically dedicated to discussion about the topic. And, I figure if I can even slightly help someone else going through similar things, or if I can help someone who doesn't go through these things understand it a bit better, then this thread will have served its purpose, and I'll feel like I've done a bit of good. Obviously anyone's free to discuss whatever they want in this thread, mentally ill or not, so long as the discussion focuses on the general, nebulous topic of mental illness.

Obviously mental illness can be a tricky thing to talk about, particularly for those who haven't gone through it themselves, but I think it would benefit everyone, not just people like me, if it were talked about more openly and freely more often.

One of the toughest things about particularly extreme cases of mental illness is the suicidal thoughts that oftentimes come hand-in-hand with it. I've gone through various stages of mental illness throughout my entire life. First it was severe anger issues when I was a kid, likely stemming from the death of my step-brother and the affect that had on my family when I was very, very young, which morphed in to severe anxiety and panic issues once I hit adolescence, and now to depression. Having gone through all of that, I can say with confidence depression is by far the worst one. Because at least with the other two, I didn't have that overarching, looming feeling that my life isn't worth living, and that I, and everyone around me would be much better off if I were dead. When you have more bad days than good, and when most of those bad days contain fairly constant emotional and mental suffering, and when it feels like you aren't doing any good in the world... It can be surprisingly tricky to argue with the notion that you'd be better off dead.

Speaking personally in terms of suicidal thoughts... a lot of people have trouble understanding how someone could even come to that conclusion I feel. I mean, we're living beings with a natural, incredibly strong instinct to survive and keep living at all costs. And, for plenty of lucky people, life IS worth living to them. How could someone's instincts turn against them like that? Well, for me, looking at it objectively, the reason my silly little brain has started having suicidal thoughts since... around October of 2018, when I did very nearly take my own life, is due to the lack of escape. Realistically, logically, I know there are ways to overcome it, albeit in a slow and grueling manner. Therapy, possibly alongside medication. Physical changes, such as changes to my diet. Exercising more. Going outside more often. Finally making some progress in my life, among many other things. But, internally, instinctually... at some point, something in my head just broke. Something snapped. My brain realized that there isn't any easy way out of this... except for dying. Taking my own life. So, now, my brain views that as the only, or failing that, the easiest way out of the predicament I find myself in. Obviously I cannot possibly speak for everyone, but I imagine this applies by and large to many people who suffer from suicidal thoughts. They view it as their only escape from a problem that, to them, seems otherwise entirely insurmountable and unsolvable. Particularly if they don't think they've lived a great life up to that point anyway, which is the case for me. Your brain also tricks you in to thinking you'd be more... "at peace," so to speak, dead than you would be alive anyway.

Of course, it's been years now since that night back in 2018, and... somehow, I'm still around. Every time I have those thoughts, my survival instincts still kick in and prevent me from going through with anything. I just wonder if there'll eventually be a day where they won't kick in. Hasn't happened yet, but I can't honestly say I would be surprised if there came a day where they didn't kick in.

But, either way, as hard as it is for me to do, trying to do better, and hoping that eventually I'll get the help that I need, and maybe life will feel like it's worth living again for me. Haven't felt that way in so long now. But only time will tell.

Bit of a downer, I know, but hey, mental illness ain't no sunshine and rainbows buddy, and unfortunately for many people like me, our lives are entirely dictated by it. As I said above, anyone and everyone is free to discuss the topic of mental illness, whether it pertains to me in particular or not. Just thought I'd start by... trying to explain, somewhat, how mental illnesses absolutely sabotage our brains in the most awful ways, and let anyone else who wants to talk about it continue the topic from there.

[Brickman | 4,043]

Sorry to hear that  I think one important thing though is that you're still here and that's something worth celebrating.

I know this is going to sound cliche but believe me when I say you're still so young and so much can happen even in a small amount of time. The most important thing is to focus on yourself and slowly work on small goals in your life. If health is an issue for you then start slowly working on that. Set small goals to reach an overall bigger goal. Having goals gives your brain focus and helps bring meaning to your life. It also helps your mind focus on positive things over negative.

Start small and I guarantee by the time you're 25 you'll look back and see how far you have come. You may have a mental illness for the rest of your life but try not to let it control you, you control it.

People in your life do care about you and so do people here  

[Reed Rothchild | 9,608]

There was a thread, but I'm not sure who started it.  Could have helpful discussion 

[Code Monkey | 2,016]

Talking about it is the right first step. Last year I had a friend reach out to me after attempting to hang himself so I had him stay at my house and we went to the hospital together to see if maybe he needed to check himself into the mental ward. It was a tough few weeks making lots of phone calls but he eventually found some free psychologists covered either by insurance or government subsidies and is now doing much better. Mental illness never goes away, the best you can hope for is a coping mechanism for living with it.

[DoctorEncore | 3,691]

9 hours ago, Brickman said:

Sorry to hear that  I think one important thing though is that you're still here and that's something worth celebrating.

I know this is going to sound cliche but believe me when I say you're still so young and so much can happen even in a small amount of time. The most important thing is to focus on yourself and slowly work on small goals in your life. If health is an issue for you then start slowly working on that. Set small goals to reach an overall bigger goal. Having goals gives your brain focus and helps bring meaning to your life. It also helps your mind focus on positive things over negative.

Start small and I guarantee by the time you're 25 you'll look back and see how far you have come. You may have a mental illness for the rest of your life but try not to let it control you, you control it.

People in your life do care about you and so do people here  

This is a great point. Sometimes people don't find their calling or their groove or whatever you want to call it until late in their lives. Someone very close to me had the similar struggles with anxiety and depression and worthlessness and just couldn't find where he fit in this world. Then at the age of 37, with some love and support from family and friends, he found something he is amazing at and happy doing. He's accomplished more from ages 37-40 than he did from ages 18-38.

I'm not trying to say it's easy or that life will suddenly get better out of sheer luck, but the world is a big, big place and if you can stick with it, there's a good chance you'll find your place.

Good luck and always know you've got a pretty damn supportive community right here.

Edited March 20, 2022 by DoctorEncore

[Californication | 1,490]

9 hours ago, ZeldaFreak said:

So, I've been feeling like shit tonight. Like, really shit. Not that that's an unusual occurrence for me, I have far, far more bad days than good, being someone who suffers from clinical depression (currently undiagnosed, granted, but quite apparent as I've suffered with it for years and years now. Pretty much from the time I was 13-14 onwards, and arguably even before that. 20 now at the time of creating this thread.) One of the things that I find helps me a bit (other than eating, there's a reason I'm as fat as I am) is to write down what I'm feeling and try to talk myself through it. Whether I'm writing to someone, or just writing to nobody in particular, I find that it helps. As I was starting to feel like shit, thinking "Hm, maybe I should write some stuff down," I had a sudden thought occur to me: There's not really a thread here on VGS dedicated to the topic of mental illness and those who suffer from the various forms it takes. Hell, I don't remember a thread like that existing back on NA either. So... why not create one?

This thread is intended to focus on the topic of mental illness, those who are mentally ill, and all related topics. Treatment, the road to recovery from it, pitfalls, research being done on various forms of treatment and medication, questions from those who don't consider themselves mentally ill, questions from those who do and are looking for some advice or just a bit of comradery, or just from people looking to vent, etc. Just a general hub for discussion of this sort of thing, as while I've had a few conversations about it with various members here and there, there's never been a hub specifically dedicated to discussion about the topic. And, I figure if I can even slightly help someone else going through similar things, or if I can help someone who doesn't go through these things understand it a bit better, then this thread will have served its purpose, and I'll feel like I've done a bit of good. Obviously anyone's free to discuss whatever they want in this thread, mentally ill or not, so long as the discussion focuses on the general, nebulous topic of mental illness.

Obviously mental illness can be a tricky thing to talk about, particularly for those who haven't gone through it themselves, but I think it would benefit everyone, not just people like me, if it were talked about more openly and freely more often.

One of the toughest things about particularly extreme cases of mental illness is the suicidal thoughts that oftentimes come hand-in-hand with it. I've gone through various stages of mental illness throughout my entire life. First it was severe anger issues when I was a kid, likely stemming from the death of my step-brother and the affect that had on my family when I was very, very young, which morphed in to severe anxiety and panic issues once I hit adolescence, and now to depression. Having gone through all of that, I can say with confidence depression is by far the worst one. Because at least with the other two, I didn't have that overarching, looming feeling that my life isn't worth living, and that I, and everyone around me would be much better off if I were dead. When you have more bad days than good, and when most of those bad days contain fairly constant emotional and mental suffering, and when it feels like you aren't doing any good in the world... It can be surprisingly tricky to argue with the notion that you'd be better off dead.

Speaking personally in terms of suicidal thoughts... a lot of people have trouble understanding how someone could even come to that conclusion I feel. I mean, we're living beings with a natural, incredibly strong instinct to survive and keep living at all costs. And, for plenty of lucky people, life IS worth living to them. How could someone's instincts turn against them like that? Well, for me, looking at it objectively, the reason my silly little brain has started having suicidal thoughts since... around October of 2018, when I did very nearly take my own life, is due to the lack of escape. Realistically, logically, I know there are ways to overcome it, albeit in a slow and grueling manner. Therapy, possibly alongside medication. Physical changes, such as changes to my diet. Exercising more. Going outside more often. Finally making some progress in my life, among many other things. But, internally, instinctually... at some point, something in my head just broke. Something snapped. My brain realized that there isn't any easy way out of this... except for dying. Taking my own life. So, now, my brain views that as the only, or failing that, the easiest way out of the predicament I find myself in. Obviously I cannot possibly speak for everyone, but I imagine this applies by and large to many people who suffer from suicidal thoughts. They view it as their only escape from a problem that, to them, seems otherwise entirely insurmountable and unsolvable. Particularly if they don't think they've lived a great life up to that point anyway, which is the case for me. Your brain also tricks you in to thinking you'd be more... "at peace," so to speak, dead than you would be alive anyway.

Of course, it's been years now since that night back in 2018, and... somehow, I'm still around. Every time I have those thoughts, my survival instincts still kick in and prevent me from going through with anything. I just wonder if there'll eventually be a day where they won't kick in. Hasn't happened yet, but I can't honestly say I would be surprised if there came a day where they didn't kick in.

But, either way, as hard as it is for me to do, trying to do better, and hoping that eventually I'll get the help that I need, and maybe life will feel like it's worth living again for me. Haven't felt that way in so long now. But only time will tell.

Bit of a downer, I know, but hey, mental illness ain't no sunshine and rainbows buddy, and unfortunately for many people like me, our lives are entirely dictated by it. As I said above, anyone and everyone is free to discuss the topic of mental illness, whether it pertains to me in particular or not. Just thought I'd start by... trying to explain, somewhat, how mental illnesses absolutely sabotage our brains in the most awful ways, and let anyone else who wants to talk about it continue the topic from there.

Did I read that correctly, are you 20 years old?

Edit: NM just saw your birthday.

It's normal to be trying to figure things out at 20.

Not to mention you still have the brain of an adolescent. The brain doesn't really fully mature until your mid to late twenty's. Anxiety and those extreme emotions tend to stabilize over time although there are steps you can take to make anxiety less powerful.

For me eating well and exercise were the two most helpful things. Buy it's also important to remember the brain is plastic and you can rewire it with enough effort. I really enjoyed books like "This Spake Zarathustra," "Emotional Intelligence," "Siddhartha," and really anything politics, psychology, that really helps solidify your view of the world, the human condition, and how the mind work.

When you have a more clear image of yourself and the world it is much easier to walk through confidentially. 

Also, if you take notes on what your the stressors are that set off your anxiety, you can try an adjust your habits or use systematic desensitization to help.

I used different medications here and there, but ultimately they were temporary fixes and really they were most useful in allowing me to see outside of the normal boundaries I place on myself to be more creative about what options there are. 

 

Edited March 20, 2022 by Californication

[DarkTone | 988]

Hope things work out. 

[SilverspoonGaming | 335]

@ZeldaFreakHang in there bud.  Always remember that all things must pass.

[the_wizard_666 | 1,325]

As someone with bipolar disorder, I know suicidal depression intimately.  I've exhibited symptoms since I was a toddler, and was only diagnosed in my mid 20s.  I'm 39 now, and the road is a long, hard one.  But every day you're still here is a victory in and of itself.  The fact that you posted about it is a sign that you WANT to keep going...if you didn't, you'd suffer in silence until you become a statistic.  Keep fighting the good fight, and when you're not strong enough to do it alone, reach out to someone, whether it's a friend, family member, or a total stranger.  My inbox is always open, and I'm sure most others here would say the same thing.  There's also tons of support groups online for people who are going through the same things you are to help each other.  Life is a journey, but it's not one we have to go through alone.

[PII | 1,905]

Early 20's can be rough.  And most conditions that are deemed as mental illnesses can be resolved.

Dietary changes for one example can make a great impact for the better.  For example, removing things like processed food and any kind of food with unnecessary/toxic ingredients in it.  ( eg. good-bye yellow #5 along with anything that contains an overabundance of syllables and sounds like a chemical.)  Replace them with better choices that are still delicious.  It doesn't mean you can never eat a takeout pizza again, just revamp your go-to staples for any given meal on an average day and form new habits this way.

It's spring time now which is a great time to make life changes for the better.  Fasting and detoxing the body with teas or bentonite clay can help to clear the mind and body as well.  

A close friend of mine who had been pretty severally bi-polar for many years managed to get his condition under control to the point that his foul moods became quite rare and when they did show up they would never last more than a couple of minutes for the very simple reason that he was willing to say almost anything, almost anywhere, anytime if he could make himself laugh.  It became like a reflex for him.  He'd just snap out of it that way.  I imagine some folks will find this too simple, but that's kind of the point.  Simplify.  It's generally far better than resorting to some questionable cocktail of synthetic drugs.  Your blood's job is to nourish your body and your job is to nourish your blood.  You don't need synthetic chemicals to do that.  If anyone did, none of us would be here.  Eating raw can do wonders.  Do whatever it takes within your power and ethics to make yourself strong any time you can.

The mind and body are one synergistic unit and what affects one has an impact on the other and vice versa.

Also, one fellow writer to another; One of the best bits of advice I've happened upon is this:

Don't write what you feel like writing.  Write the stuff you REALLY DON'T want to write down.

If the thought of writing it down feels too overbearing and or someone else reading it terrifies the heck out of you, find a creative way to mix up the details a bit and tell it THE WAY YOU WANT TO.  Make it your own and you can transmute negative into positive.