SKATE OR DIE 2008

 

Skate or Die 2008 opens with the negotiation of a minor drug transaction

and is followed up with 5 or 6 minutes of trick-filled skateboarding through

Paris that looks like it was intended to make it look like life in Paris is some-

-thing much more lively, cheerful and fun than the noisy grey hole that it actually is.  

Our main characters are Mickey and Idriss who look like black/white race-switch

versions of each other.  Idriss has dreads and Mickey doesn’t but they both are lanky

and have the same length hair that is the same degree of messy

which just serves to make the film look generic.  While stopping in a

parking garage to blaze a quick doober the boys witness a few murders and

we’re off once again for a fast paced skateboarding chase scene.  Following

an unexciting ride down the parking garage ramps our burnout heroes

outwit the bad guys by first hiding under a car and then by pulling a “double

Marty Mcfly” by grabbing onto the back end of a pickup truck and skitching

their way to temporary safety.  After abandoning the truck Mickey wipes and

the boys take to their feet.  This is about the time I noticed that the two bad

guys chasing them also look like white/black racial-switch versions of each other.  

They both have cool looking bad guy coats and hair that is the exact same closely

cropped length.  Hoo-rah for consistency.  Is it too hard to come up with unique

personalities for the main characters?  Apparently so, or maybe it's just too 

risky so we have to rely on stereotypes.

 

 

The boys finally give ‘em the slip by jumping off a bridge in slow motion into

water below, while alt rock plays and the two bad guys look frustrated.  

Next something amazing happens.  We find out that Mickey and Idriss have

a super power; the ability to dry off really, REALLY fast!

 

They go to the Police station and show their video of the murders to the chick

cop at the counter and we find out that the authorities are in on it.  Next the boys

are given some paperwork to fill out which they do on the undersides of their

skateboards (rippin’!)  Next, a detective comes out to greet the boys, clearly

intending to neutralize the snag.  Next the bad guys show up at the police

station, flash their credentials so we know that they are actually cops and get

spotted by Mickey and Idriss.  One of the boys pops the detective in the nose

and its time for another chase that starts out boring with lots of quick cuts and

dialog like: “Where are they?” and “to the left, to the left!”  But when the boys

actually stop running and get on their boards things actually get a little exciting.

The boys pull another double Marty Mcfly for a start (how else you gonna

outrun cops in cars?)  Then, when the cops take to their feet someone sets

up an impromptu ramp for M & I  to jump over an effective wall of stuff, cutting

off the corrupt cops.  The chase continues a bit and its time to slo-mo jump off

another bridge, this time onto cold hard concrete below.  Not to worry these

guys are skaters and they know how to fall without getting seriously injured.

 

Next, the boys, having gotten away are skating casually until they decide its

time to get into a taxi.  The driver recognizes them from the descriptions of

“two skaters” that have been outgoing since the boys left the police station

and drives them back to,…. the police station, which means, of course, it’s

time for yet another chase scene.

 

Nix that.  The boys just run away real quick without trouble.  The chick cop

from the police station drives to the parking garage which the bad guys have

returned to and they have a brief meeting.  Next comes a series of long slow

shots of the parking garage alternating with close ups of slow mo skateboards

gliding by accompanied by introspective music and police chatter.  Segue to

thousands or perhaps millions of citizens taking to the streets on skateboards

to protest the pursuit of “two suspicious suspects on skateboards” ….or something,

all to the tune of some wicked thrash music.  It’s nighttime now and police are still

chasing Mickey and Idriss.  Chick cop has phone conversations, Police show up on

rollerblades and one of the boys jumps over the hood of a cop

car in what seems like a non-sequitur as the boys had been staying well

ahead of the cops.  But anyone reading this knows why that shot had to be

in the movie.

 

It’s almost bar-time now and the boys no longer have their boards following

some kind of run in with…. a gang…. or a rollerball team, I’m not sure.  Chick

cop continues to make phone calls.  Time for random shots of people dancin’

at da club to mostly shitty or at best mediocre hip-hop while smoking joints in

slo-mo.  The boys find refuge in some sort of Marijuana growing operation

where our heroes find their Spanish speaking friend Dany.  

And we are now officially half way through this movie.

 

The corrupt cops continue to look for Mickey and Idriss, tailing them to the

Hip-hop club.  They get some info and the National guard or some similar entity

with shields and guns and body armor begin to infiltrate the basement of the club

which has switched to playing bland house music now.  Some of the guard have an

altercation with the proprietors of the club and they all point guns at each other.  

Meanwhile the corrupt cops continue their own infiltration, walk into the “wrong” room

and a shoot out ensues.  The National guard shoot one of the proprietors and the cops

win their own shoot out more or less, chasing after some of the remnants which includes

Mickey and Idriss and Dany.

 

The chase also takes them past a couple having sex who don’t react one bit to the people running by

and shooting the place up.  Why?  Because so far, there has been a complete lack of

unnecessary sexual content, that’s why.  So you see some booty and hear some female noises.  

Next it’s time for tits.  Dany, being chased, sets a literal booby trap for the cops.  She puts a mat

over a hole in a scaffold and then opens up her shirt and stands against a fence with her hands up.  

When the po-po arrive they are so distracted by her fantastic ta-tas they don’t notice the trap and

one falls through while our busty heroine takes off.

 

The pursued end up on the rooftop -Mickey, Idriss and Dany, who straps on rollerblades and rides

a smooth curved decline of some sort to make a jump to the next building.  Idriss and Mickey do

the same on their skateboards.  The jump is across an entire street but somehow they make the

distance and have incredibly soft landings on their feet.  The cops hit the rooftop just in time to see

the 3 kids get away and the National Guard arrest a bunch of the club proprietors.  Some of the

remaining club goers kill one of the cops who was not one of the 2 main bad cops and the kids

get away, hopping from rooftop to rooftop to some pretty good downbeat hip-hop.  

When the sun comes up they are still on rooftops.

 

Detective broken-nose has a conversation with chick-cop who seems to be

uncomfortable with everything going on.  She leaves work a short time later.

The kids discuss what to do and don’t want to try a taxi again, but Dany

has another clever idea.  She calls her father or some other old guy she knows

who drives a garbage truck.

 

They get spotted on the roof and try to get away by way of the fire escape.  

The cops enter the building to try and head them off but they give ‘em the slip

yet again by jumping off the fire escape into the back of the garbage truck as it pulls

up.  After driving a short distance Mickey and Idriss high tail it on their own once

again and Dany and the old truck driver play friendly with some possibly good

cops who show up, and they appear to cooperate before being allowed to leave.

 

The boys get chased into the subway where they briefly take to their boards

before hopping onto a subway train.  The doors close just as some new cops

approach.

 

Chick cop is off duty and driving now but communicating with someone back at the station.  

The bad cops are also driving and very pissed off.  Chick cop

abandons her car in order to run across a blocked bridge.  The boys change

trains and eventually take to the streets again.  Dany and the old

truck driver catch up with the boys but the bad cops are waiting with a sniper

rifle which one of them uses to shoot Dany as she runs toward Mickey

and Idriss.  The boys run to Dany on the ground and try to talk to her just

as chick cop runs up and the bad cops pull up in their ride. 

Cue emotional music and roll Oscar clip.  Chick cop turns her gun on the bad cops and they argue

while Mick and Id try to help Dany, and truck driver looks on helplessly until

he decides to ram his dump-truck into the bad cops vehicle, tipping it over into a flaming mess.  

One of the bad cops gets up and tries to shoot chick cop but she is too fast and shoots him first.  

Then the other bad cop gets up intending to shoot somebody but Dump-truck man shoots him

in the back (Didn’t even know he had a gun.)  Everyone left tries to help Dany while Tricky’s “Hell

is just around the corner plays”, which is some sort of remix of Portishead’s “Glory Box” = Cue outro

montage: Everyone’s in slo-mo; Dany in lots of pain getting packed into an ambulance, dead bad cop

getting the sheet, surviving bad cop being led away scowling and chick cop looking on uncertainly.

 

Cut to 2 days later.  The boys are uploading their footage of the murder under

the title “Skate Or Die”, while a crowd looks on.  Everyone cheers.  Cue final

music - “Je ne te laisserai pas partir” - “I won’t let you go” and final slo-mo

skateboarding montage.  It’s actually a pretty cool piece of dance music and gets

followed by some more introspective credits roll music, the name of which, I did

not catch.

 

Fin.

 

It's not a terrible movie.  It has some excitement but I was kinda hoping for a lot of

really mind-blowing skateboarding.  It's like the people who made this movie took

the title too literally.  It should have taken place in the mid 1980's and been about

a couple of punk-ish gangs deciding to settle their differences with a wicked crazy

street race like the "Jam" in the Video Game.  Did the people who made this actually

bother to play the game?  It came out in 1987 so they only had 20 years to give it a 

play and get a freakin clue.  Where the heck is Rodney and his big ass mohawk?

What about Agro Eddie, and Poseur Pete and that uncontrollable badass Lester?

Where's the freestyle and the pool joust?  If someone made a Skate Or Die movie

that actually took its cues from the game I'd probably actually shell out some cash

to go see it, but I guess the folks who make movies just don't think that way...