ookii_risu

So, some days ago I put my cross-stitches up for sale here, had myself a breakdown regarding something unrelated, did what I always do when I get mentally messed up in the head, start getting self destructive, thus deleted my posts on that topic, requested to have it closed and left the site. And I did this with facebook as well, deleting 5 years of history, over a thousand posts I'm sure and then deleted my account. And then started deleting stuff in my computer, though thankfully still had stuff backed up so once I came to my senses was able to recover most of it. I was running away, or trying to, from someone that I shouldn't because I was scared. Any time anyone ever tried to get close to me, if I felt it was becoming too much my mind would be flooded with all sorts of negative what-ifs, and then I would panic and run. Each time I would look back and regret it, and even still every friend I ever had that I ran away from I still remember and wish I hadn't.

I met someone here, started talking to her several months ago and in that time we talked to each other every single day (minus one), and learned so much about each other that I felt that I finally found that one person I have needed most in my life, I love her a great deal, more than I have anyone, she is the other piece of my heart that I have waited for much of my life, and things were going so well, so I'm not sure why I turned tail when I should have just told her what was bothering me, I guess because old habits are hard to break and maybe I didn't think I was worthy of her love or didn't want her to suffer from all of the issues that have been circling around me my entire life, that she'd be better off without me. I was so wrong, and I knew this, yet still the fear was so great that I made a drastic move, my mind blind to any sense of logic, all emotional overload, reaction only, that made me make a move that could have been the worst mistake of my life. But she did not give up on me, nor should I with her, or with myself. There is so much I am afraid of, but one of the most difficult is allowing someone to get close to me, there are reasons for that, but still, that should not stop me from love. Also understanding that in hurting myself, not only do I suffer but any who are attached to me, have become a big part of my life.

I have hated on myself for too long that it is hard for me to understand how anyone else could actually love me, I hear it, I believe it but yet still I think, why me? What is so special or great about me that anyone would love? Even with so much evidence hitting me in the face I continued to deny it. Always whenever something got too difficult in my life, too uncomfortable or scary, or someone got too close, I would run, and this has been the case since ever, even when there really was not that big reason to flee or any at all, I would play out scenarios in my head, even when things are good, in regarding things that could go wrong, somehow I made it out to be more than what it was, and then later hated and punished myself for it with self cruelty, destructive habits such as destroying something I like, or something I worked hard at making, or even at times hurting myself physically.

My years growing up I was always told by my father that I was a loser and that I would not amount to anything and other assorted abusive shit, and even long after I was away from all that, I continued to believe it and abuse myself when I should not be. Many times I felt like an inconvenience that maybe I should never have been born, and I never felt like I fit in, belonged anywhere. I would strive to do everything right, watch others make mistakes, observing them so that I don't make the same ones, yet making my own by avoiding pretty much everything that felt risky. I would try always for perfection, and never really achieve it, and if something didn't come out just right it would nag at me until I made it better or I gave up and thus considered myself a failure and made myself believe it. Other people believe in me, others that get to know me like me, so how come I can't? I still don't know why I do what I do to myself, was the trauma really that bad?

Anyway, I am through running away, there is no reason for me to, rarely has there ever been, nor should I be hurting myself. This time will be different and I am not alone anymore. Thank you Tonya for coming into my life, accepting me for everything that I am, believing in me, loving me, trusting in me, and giving me something to look forward to, us. So happy valentine's day and I love you.